Thursday, July 13, 2006


I've been sleeping badly over the last few nights, waking up at irregular intervals, and having dreams whose unsettling ambience is only exceeded by their vividness.

However I had a small break last night, when a highly detailed dream about me wandering around my home town suddenly morphed into a big-budget Hong Kong action movie. Yay! Although I know less about martial arts than Miss Piggy, I was somehow involved in a big fight scene which, once the extras were dispatched, revolved around me and a few other guys battling a single female fighter. She had a glove with long blades emerging from each finger, and she fought all of us, at the same time, with this single weapon. In her other hand she held a sheaf of paper, which he positioned under her flashing blades. I noticed that the papers were being speckled with tiny drops of blood, perhaps six or seven each page, and that she appeared to be shuffling them as she fought. But I couldn't work out why she was doing this.

Eventually she seemed to appreciate that there was no way out of this fight, and she surrendered. As is often the case in these action movies, there was no particular animosity; we recognised her as a gifted warrior who just happened to be fighting on the wrong side. Then she handed us the papers.

The little specks of blood were not random marks. They were tiny Chinese characters. In between fending off four attackers with her glove blades, she'd been using the blood she'd drawn with their tips to write on the paper. The characters told the story of how she'd been hired by our enemy, and detailed the rest of his evil scheme. She'd been writing her story at the same time as she fought us.

If she'd focused on just fighting us, there's no way we could have beat her. She was just toying with us the whole time.

"I can't believe this," I remember thinking. "You are just the coolest chick ever!"

Then my alarm went off, and I had to get up and go to work.


Anonymous Bart said...

Ever thought about writing film scenarios for Hollywood? It beats the crap they use for all those super-hero movies.

6:42 PM  
Anonymous Matthew Jarvis said...

Tell me again why you don't want to take up Ju Jitsu?

9:12 AM  
Blogger Blandwagon said...

By that logic, matthew jarvis, the next time I have a dream about flying I should go out and take lessons to become a pilot.

And heaven help us all if I have that dream about giving a speech and realising that I'm not wearing any pants.

10:00 AM  
Anonymous Matthew Jarvis said...

Touche, Blanders, but I think you've misunderstood me.

If you dreamed about the coolest chick ever, and she's a pilot, then there would be a certain logic (not much, I grant you), in putting yourself in a position where you could meet pilot chicks. Such as taking flying lessons. Simile, if you had dreamed that the coolest chick ever was making a speech whilst not wearing any pants - and she was so interesting that you paid attention to what she was saying! - then there would be a certain logic in going to places where cool chicks make speeches whilst in partial undress.

Thus, if the coolest chick ever is a dab hand with knives and fighting arts, then an obvious place to meet such a person is a dojo. Or possibly a Japanese restaurant.

Ne c'est pas?

5:36 PM  
Blogger Laziest Girl said...

One can only assume that Mr Jarvis means a Japanese restaurant in Australia as I can assure you that there are no cool, martial arts experts in restaurants in Japan. In fact, restaurants in Japan are solely populated by fluffy toy toting, six inch heel wearing, mobile phone abusing, immacutely coiffured and bizarrely dressed walking dolls.

8:44 PM  
Blogger Joshua Farrier said...

Matthew, it's 'n'est-ce pas'. No biggee--just thought I'd let you know.

Blanders (a wonderful nickname), I always thought the best place to meet a girl was in church. Could there be some knife-wielding, literate C of E girls out there who have no phobias of writing in blood? Maybe a google search? :)

You know me, always trying to help.

11:49 PM  
Blogger Blandwagon said...

That's the problem, Joshua. I can find literate church girls and I can find knife-wielding church girls, but I can't find one who is both.

The fact that I'm Presbyterian doesn't help. The Church of England may be overflowing with women who can speak knowledgably about magic realism in the novels of Gabriel Garcia Marquez while underlining their points with a bowie knife, but I just can't get past the church's position on the Regulative Principle.

11:57 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home