Thursday, April 13, 2006

Quality

Americans, generally to their credit, have a can-do attitude. The traditional, deeply egalitarian idea that anyone can acheive anything if they work hard enough is highly laudable, and has resulted in some spectacular success stories.


On the other hand, it has also resulted in innumerable disasters, so small-scale, pathetic and banal that their tragedy is all the more poignant. One such minor glimpse into the dull grey fog of failure is 'Future War'.


These people had no business making a film. The actors couldn't act. The editors couldn't edit. The director had a fatal combination of sheer, lunk-headed lack of talent and the delusional self-confidence required to fool a person into thinking that they have what it takes to make a film, when all evidence suggests otherwise. In fact it's difficult to see how any of the people involved in this production managed to convince themselves that it was a worthwhile endeavour.


However, let's be fair. Film making is by all acounts a lot harder than it looks. The question is, could any one of us do any better?


Well, now you can find out, just by taking this quick and easy Get On The Blandwagon quiz!


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Do You Have What It Takes To Make a Bad Science Fiction Movie?


1. When filming a scene in which a TV cameraman is covering a piece of breaking news, and you don't have a spare camera for him to shoulder, do you:

a) film the scene from the cameraman's point of view, cleverly showing what is going on without actually having to show a second camera?

b) glue an old lens assembly to a cardboard box, paint the whole lot black with silver stickers, and get your actor to pretend it's a real camera, EVEN THOUGH IT'S PATENTLY OBVIOUS TO THE AUDIENCE THAT IT ISN'T.


2. The script requires a scene of two actors running up a street, fleeing a menace in a previous scene. As the film's editor, you should:

a) cut to the scene once the actors are at top speed from their standing start, in order to imply that they have been running for a while.

b) cut to the scene about half a second after they've started running, thus implying that they've just bolted for no discernable reason in the middle of an empty street.


3. To demonstrate that two actors involved in a life-or-death fight are working hard and taking serious blows, you should:

a) encourage them to emote as if they really are in a fight for their lives, or at the very least, to alternate the sounds of exertion between various "ughs", "arghs", "oofs" and "hnngggs".

b) instruct them to go "HUUUUUUHRRGHH!" every time they move an inch.


4. In order to demonstrate that a cyborg is in part mechanical, is it acceptable to dub the sound of someone revving a power drill over his movements?

a) Well, perhaps, if the budget doesn't stretch to anything less instantly recognisable, and providing that the power drill effects are synched to the actor's movements. Otherwise, no.

b) Hell yeah!


5. A scene depicts a threatening visit from a senior FBI agent. Who would you cast for the role?

a) a tall, lean man with a crewcut and the cold professionalism of a detective.

b) a short, rotund man with long, stringy, unwashed hair and the cold professionalism of a dumpling.


6. In your final cut, you realise that the characters appear to have run away from a killer dinosaur, leaving it with a small defenceless child whom they were earlier protecting. Then they are arrested by the police for no apparent reason.

a) Oh crap. You're right. Let's call the editors back in, go over the footage, and see if we can salvage it. If we can't, we'll just have to get the relevant cast and key crew back for some additional scenes.

b) Um... your point being ...?


7. What is "continuity"?

a) the discipline through which a filmed narrative is kept in a logical linear flow, despite the fact that the individual scenes were shot in a completely different order.

b) er, is it a new fragrance by Calvin Klein?


8. Your film is about cyborgs, with trained dinosaurs, from space, who cause havoc and death. It is not set in the future, and isn't about a war. What do you call it?

a) Terror of the Cyborg Space Dinosaurs.

b) Future War


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So how did you go? Let's find out:


Mostly a)s

Get back to your uptight documentaries and slow-moving relationship movies, hippy.

Mostly b)s

Congratulations; it's like Coleman Francis and Ed Wood somehow had a baby, and now you're gracing us with your presence! Here's a film camera and $20,000. Go out and make us a) proud and b) a movie about time-traveling robot lemurs and the women who love them.

2 Comments:

Blogger jennifer starfall said...

now i want to see that movie. you're an MST3k fan, aren't you...

12:15 AM  
Blogger Laziest Girl said...

And this is why I miss you Blandy. Damn those people in charge of internet connections in Japan!

3:34 PM  

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