Wednesday, April 12, 2006


Diary of a Rollercoaster Tycoon

March 1st:
I've got myself a new job as the designer and manager of a new amusement park. Man, the economy must be booming if they're reduced to hiring clueless chumps like me to do a job like this. Do I have any experience in amusement park design? Have I worked in PR? Marketing? Engineering? Could I do a cost/benefit analysis on a rollercoaster design to save my life?

No. Whole galaxies of no.

I wonder how I managed to get this job?

March 5th:
Apparently it's only going to cost me $500 to put in that new ferris wheel. $500! I paid more than that to get a new set of tyres for my Subaru! Do we have Oompa-Loompa slave labour building these things?

March 6th:
Actually, that Oompa-Loompa theory may not be that far off the mark. Has anyone else noticed how all of our guests are squat, excitable midgets? Are we near a leaky nuclear plant or something? You know, that might also explain the constant barfing.

March 8th:
I've asked the guys running the food and drink stalls to give me a list of the ingredients they use in their products. I figure there's got to be a reason why my guests seem to puke their guts up the second they go on any ride more exciting than "walk in a straight line". Is there antimony potassium tartrate in the lemonade or what?

RCT2 puke

March 11th:
"Chocolate Log"? We have a a big, brown rollercoaster called the "Chocolate Log"? Are our rides being designed by sniggering twelve year olds?

March 12th:
And don't get me started on the "Mango Muncher".

March 15th:
I knew that the construction prices on these new rides were too good to be true. The damn things seem to break down every few minutes. The Verticulator broke down for several hours today, and I discovered the repair guy caught in the walkways of the Mango Muncher, going around in circles. I'm pretty sure he's retarded. No wonder he only charges $80 a month.

March 17th:
"The Circus has broken down"? How can a circus break down? What, did a performing elephant blow a gasket?

RCT2 circus

March 21st:
Apparently the guests are complaining about the "disgusting state of the paths" in my park. Well excuse me, but who here is responsible for coughing up so much half-digested hotdog and candy apple that certain walkways look like a zit the size of a Winnebago just burst over them? It ain't me! Nor is it my fault that the handymen are all so dull-witted that they are thwarted by a complicated path layout. That leaky nuclear plant theory is looking more plausible by the minute.

March 25th:
I purchased a wooden rollercoaster today for less than $7,000... which is $20,000 less than my rec room extension. Every night I wake up in a cold sweat, wondering if tomorrow will be the day that one of these cheap track supports snaps and plunges half a dozen squat lumpy teenagers to their deaths.

March 31st:
From my lofty vantage point I gaze out over my park. The once massively popular bumperboats now sit inexplicably idle. Guests keep pouring onto the Great American Scream Machine rollercoaster, even after they've hurled copiously following their last ride on it. The handymen wander uselessly about in tight circles while the mechanics get trapped in queue lines. And the security guards are so dim that you could walk out of the park with a merry-go-round under your shirt and get away with it.

At least I know now how I managed to get this job. Even a clueless chump looks like a rollercoaster tycoon next to these people.


Blogger phaedrus said...

One of my favorite games! I've lost countless hours plucking up maintenance workers and plopping them down next to vomit slicks of slip'n'slide proportions. God bless you, Chris Sawyer.

9:12 AM  

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