Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Hit

While I was in Blockbuster recently I picked up a DVD called ‘Shoot ‘Em Up’. I noticed that it starred Clive Owen, who is kind of cool, and Monica Bellucci, who is at least three kinds of rowrrr, and Paul Giamatti, who is possibly my favourite actor at the moment. So despite the fact that I’d never heard of it, I thought I’d give it a go.


Now excuse me while I find a calendar so I can kiss the day I decided to watch it.


BEST. MOVIE. EVER.


There are no words to adequately describe just how awesome this movie is. It has car chases! It has explosions! It has violence… oh man, does it have violence! It has such a high body count it makes the average John Woo film look like an episode of The Saddle Club.


In short, it is the ultimate boy film. If you look at testosterone under a microscope, I’m pretty sure that what you actually see is a teeny tiny clip from this movie. It’s a film that jumps through your eyeballs, tunnels down to the very genetic structure of your cells, grabs the Y chromosome and takes it out for the wildest night on the town it has ever seen.


This means that girls should not see this movie. Girls should not even walk past it in the video store. I realise that Clive Owen is thought to be a bit tasty in some feminine circles, but trust me, he is not there to be your eye candy. He is there to open a can of whoop ass, throw the whoop ass away, and then bludgeon a dozen bad guys to death with the can. If you are a girl and you watch this movie, you will only find yourself saying stupid things like, “Oh come on, like Clive Owen could shoot bad guys and deliver a baby at the same time!” And if you do that, I’m sorry, but the men in the room will pick you up, throw you outside and lock the door behind you, so that they can watch Clive Owen killing a guy with a carrot without distraction.


Seriously, at one point Clive Owen kills eight guys while having sex with Monica Bellucci. I don’t mean that he has sex with Monica Bellucci and then shoots them, or that he pauses having sex with Monica Bellucci just long enough to shoot them. I mean that he shoots eight guys while having sex with Monica Bellucci! Shooting bad guys! Sex with Moncia Bellucci! AT THE SAME TIME! It’s quite possibly the single most awesome moment in the history of the male psyche!


So if you are a girl, go see ‘Dan in Real Life’, which has family dynamics, people talking about their problems and an aerobics scene. But if you are a boy, see ‘Shoot ‘Em Up’, and offer up thanks that you live in an age when such treasures as this are freely available.

4 Comments:

Blogger TimT said...

Logical conclusions drawn from this post:

- The inner guy psyche is both a psychopath and a rapist.

- The inner girl psyche is full of family dynamics, people talking about relationships.

- And aerobics.

- Possibly the perfect film for men and women would feature psychopaths having sex with one another while shooting other psycopaths and talking about family dynamics and relationships.

- In an aerobics class.

- I should see this film.

*Makes a note of this*

10:15 AM  
Blogger phaedrus said...

I feel like I would be derelict in my duty as a male for not seeing this.

Seriously.. Paul Giamatti? The guy from "Sideways"? Wow.

11:48 AM  
Blogger Blandwagon said...

The inner guy psyche is both a psychopath and a rapist.

The sex with Monica Bellucci was consensual, so no, the inner guy is not a rapist. As for the charge of being a psychopath... er, that one's harder to defend.

Possibly the perfect film for men and women would feature psychopaths having sex with one another while shooting other psycopaths and talking about family dynamics and relationships.

There is no amount of money I wouldn't pay to see such a movie.

1:37 PM  
Anonymous TroyG said...

The psychopaths, one of whom is Monica Belluci, could be having sex with one another _while wearing socks with little pictures of Tom Servo on them_ while shooting people talking about relationships.

3:31 PM  

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