Sunday, January 09, 2005


I watched many DVDs over the Christmas/New Years break, inlcuding the 1997 Bollywood classic "Something's Happening", which is quite possibly the most misleading film title in the history of cinema. Like most Bollywood features, it goes for three hours, contains many bright colours, is interspersed with big sappy musical numbers and requires its actors to weep on cue, several times, while being noble. The dialogue is technically in Hindi, but it's more accurately desribed as Hindlish, as characters throw English words and phrases into the mix and make it sound like they just can't make up their minds.

The plot involves a love triangle, or rather two love triangles and a tangent. Maybe that makes it a love trapezoid. In any case, two sides of one of the triangles produce a little girl, who's supposed to be a cute little moppet, but actually comes across as a demonic entity bent on harvesting the souls of the living. That's how she came across to me, anyway. It made for interesting viewing:

Hero: Where's my daughter? Ah, here she is. What have you been up to, honey?
Me: She's been serving her Dark Master, that's what! Don't look into her eyes!
Everyone else: Shut the hell up, will you?

Actually I think my main problem with the little girl, other than the fact that she was a evil manipulative uber-bitch, was her terrible acting. There was so much ham in her performance it's a wonder she was allowed within 50 feet of a Hindu.

Another stellar film I enjoyed with my junk-movie cronies was the 1957 classic "Them!" Again, there's something not quite right about that title. It's supposed to be the only thing a little girl can say after surviving an attack by giant mutant atomic ants, but let's face it, if you were attacked by giant mutant atomic ants, would "Them!" be the first thing that sprang into your mind to say? What about, well, "Ants!"? Possibly "Aarrgghh! Bloody Big Ants!"

If she'd been a little more precise it might have helped the rest of the cast:

Science Guy: Hmmm. All the victims have been pumped full of formic acid. Their attackers left the money but took all the sugar. We found this 10 foot long antennae next to the body, and this copy of "How We Ants Will Take Over The World" next to what looks like the footprint of a giant ant.
Irritating FBI Guy: So do you know what did this, Doc?
Science Guy: I'm guessing teenagers.

Thank goodness they had flamethrowers, because they were never going to out-think their new insect overlords.


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