Monday, May 19, 2008


I’m on holidays this week, so since I’ll have a bit more spare time on my hands I’ve decided to write at least one blog post every day. Of course, we all know what happened last time I took a week off and declared that I would blog every day – circumstances conspired to stop me.

But obviously I never learn, so here I am.

The most important thing, or at least the most involved thing that happened to me over the last few days is that I inherited a dishwasher. I’ve never seen the need for one in the past, but my sister has taken out a long-term lease on a house that already has a dishwasher, so rather than leaving it to rust in the shed she gave it to me. I have a space in my kitchen for a dishwasher, and all of the requisite plumbing, so it couldn’t be more perfect.

Now all I needed to do was get it installed.

I enlisted the help of my friend JC, who has a logical, scientific mind and is thus of much use in situations like these. Not that I thought it would be all that difficult. How long, I wondered, could it take to stick a machine in a gap and plug it in to power and water?

I will persist in asking these stupid, Fate-taunting questions.

How to Install A Dishwasher the Blandwagon Way

Drill first hole in kitchen cabinets for pipes to pass through.
Discover that drill only had twenty seconds of charge left in it.
Put drill on recharge and adjourn for gin & tonics and backgammon.
Return to drilling holes in cabinets.
Discover that gin is not a performance enhancing drug, at least when it comes to power tools.
Also discover that drill hasn’t quite recharged enough.
Battle on without drill, using jigsaw.
Discover that jigsaw is too bulky to reach all the places it needs to.
Use hacksaw blade.
Snap hacksaw blade.
Curse hacksaw blade.
Finally get everything hooked up, and turn on dishwasher for a test run.
Celebrate as dishwasher starts up.
Rend garments as dishwasher shuts down and flashes little lights in apparent consternation.
Discover that the dishwasher outlet nozzle on the waste pipe under the sink is a dummy that doesn’t actually lead through to that waste pipe.
Attempt to drill hole in outlet nozzle.
Discover that drill won’t fit under sink because the drill bit is too big.
Use tiny drill bit that just allows the drill to fit.
Laboriously expand tiny hole to medium sized hole with multiple woodworking files and swearing.
Reconnect hoses and turn dishwasher on again.
Celebrate as dishwasher works.
Attempt to push dishwasher neatly into space, only to discover that the pipes are blocking it and it has to sit out about a foot further than the rest of the cabinets.
Go to Bunnings and buy more flexible pipe, one specifically designed for dishwashers.
Get it home, hook it up, and discover it doesn’t fit.
Return to Bunnings for adaptor.
Get it home, hook it up, and discover that it leaks.
Call upon Cthulhu to smite Bunnings, Whirlpool, the dodgy Chinese factory that made the pipe, and whoever invented dishes in the first place.
Watch MST3K while Cthulhu does his thing.
Refit the pipe with a little more care and adjustment.
Mop kitchen floor for the third time in 24 hours.

But we finally got it working, and although I still don’t really generate enough dirty dishes to use it every day, I have to admit that it does a startlingly good job. Even running it without detergent resulted in glassware, crockery and silverware that sparkled like new. So all is hunky-dory.

More or less.

JC, sensibly hiding from Cthulhu.


Anonymous Emma said...

Glad you got there in the end, excellent perserverence. With your free time you could cook a new, elaborate meal that dirties mountains of pots and dishes etc, then just dump them all in the dishwasher... and drink some more gin while you are at it.

5:02 PM  

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