Monday, February 02, 2009

Detailed

My diet is continuing to be successful, although the humid heatwave we're experiencing at the moment makes exercise approximately 1000 times the chore it would be otherwise.


As one might expect, the internet is proving to be most enlightening when it comes to working out what activities burn the most calories. At caloriecount.about.com, one can learn the caloric expenditure of common, everyday activities and thus tailor one's diet and exercise accordingly.


However many of the activities they list are not specific enough for my needs. How am I supposed to plan my weight loss properly if they keep leaving out vital information? Witness the activities and their glaringly omitted details below:


Activity: butchering an animal

Caloric Expenditure: 420 calories per hour

Glaringly Omitted Detail: Type of animal. I imagine that butchering a cow is a lot more active than butchering, say, a duckling. Or a hitchhiker.


Activity: sugar bashing

Caloric Expenditure: 350 calories per hour

Glaringly Omitted Detail: What "sugar bashing" is, precisely. If it's hitting sugar cane with a big mallet, then 350 is probably a fair figure. On the other hand if it's what you call it when you completely lose self-control and start cramming meringues into your cake hole, then not so much.


Activity: sitting quietly in church

Caloric Expenditure: 70 calories per hour

Glaringly Omitted Detail: Denomination of church. Sitting quietly in a Southern Baptist church equals an unruly Bacchanal in a Methodist one, so I think more specifics are needed.


Activity: being a policeman making an arrest

Caloric Expenditure: 280 calories per hour

Glaringly Omitted Detail: Era. Are we talking '70s cop show chasing-bad-guys-across-the-roof-tops arrests, or '00s style cop show standing-around-while-hillbilly-couples-swear-at-each-other arrests?


Activity: bookbinding

Caloric Expenditure: 161 calories per hour

Glaringly Omitted Detail: Size of book. If we're talking about the King James Bible (Extra Thees and Thous Edition), then you have to include all the calories expended in going out and hiring a hydraulic lift. On the other hand, if we're talking about 'Every Funny Thing I Ever Said' by Margaret Cho, then it's a considerably easier job.


Activity: playing the trumpet

Caloric Expenditure: 175 calories per hour

Glaringly Omitted Detail: Linguistic intention. That is, do we mean literally or as a euphemism?

5 Comments:

Blogger Mild Colonial Boy, Esq. said...

ctivity: being a policeman making an arrest

Caloric Expenditure: 280 calories per hour

Glaringly Omitted Detail: Era. Are we talking '70s cop show chasing-bad-guys-across-the-roof-tops arrests, or '00s style cop show standing-around-while-hillbilly-couples-swear-at-each-other arrests?


I wonder what is the calorific expediture for police running from protesters and not making arrests (http://islaminaction08.blogspot.com/2009/01/ukmetro-police-run-from-muslims.html)

6:13 PM  
Blogger inkspot said...

Dude, I share your pain. It's the same with these hellfire warnings for kissing girls; how can you make a rational choice if you're not also told what you get for knobbing a choirboy, or a nun?

1:36 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Correcting typos in the word "linguistic" - 80 calories an hour.

8:50 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Fleeing Blandwagon - 300 calories an hour

9:04 AM  
Blogger Blandwagon said...

Noting that Anonymous has mistakenly used the plural form of typo rather than the singular - 1 calorie.

Fixing typo so that Anonymous looks like he doesn't know what he's talking about - 2 calories.

Laughing like an evil maniac about it - 200 calories.

2:25 PM  

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