Tuesday, October 16, 2007


Today I have a question for all Americans:

Dressing your children up as Satan... what's the deal with that?

If you were a nation of Baal worshipping, backwards Mass uttering, goat defiling infidels (like, say, the French) it would be understandable. But you build Creationism theme parks, refuse alcohol to people until they turn 21, and buy devotional gangsta rap CDs. A little consistency would be appreciated, people.

As with all American endeavour, it doesn't so much matter what you do, as long as you do it better than the next guy. To that end here is a short comparative review of Baby Satan costumes, so that when you dress your child as the Lord of Lies, you can be sure you're making him the very best Evil One he can be.

Ooh look, it's Satan's own spermatozoa! How adorable. All we need now is a willing female vessel and we can start shooting The Omen VI. C+

The look on this child's face is genuinely unsettling. One gets the impression that he feels all is going according to plan. All it needs is a sudden burst of "Mwhahahahaha!" A-

This kid seems to be enjoying his brush with the Realm of Darkness a little more than most, clutching his cloven hoof as if to say "I've been stomping on lost souls all day, and boy are my feet killing me!"

The blurb that goes with this product was apparently written by Jean Teasdale's evil twin:

Your little one is devilishly gorgeous in this Darling Devil Infant Costume! And so darned innocent, too, in this cuddly Velvet and polyester kids costume, complete with Infant jumpsuit, Headpiece, and Cape. Summon a diabolical playdate with the baby in a Honey Devil Suit Infant Costume, available separately.

"Summon a diabolical playdate"? Are you people insane? B+

Put a desk in from of him and this could be the infant son of the Devil and Vito Corleone, pondering which enemy to consign to eternal damnation next. C-

The good thing about this one is that the wings are detachable, so you can re-enact that whole Fall from Grace business. It also gets extra points for being made entirely of polyester, a material that couldn't be more born of Hell if it tried. B+


Blogger He sings said...

This was divine! I haven't laughed so hard in such a long time!


4:42 AM  
Blogger an9ie said...

What the heck was the deal with that one? Mer-Satan? I dream of Jeannie Satan?

Interesting point you've raised there. And, conversely, why don't any parents dress their kids up as Jesus on Halloween?

11:02 AM  
Blogger Blandwagon said...

Maybe the Satan costume just more accurately reflects the mind of the average toddler.

1:37 PM  

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