Friday, April 28, 2006


Dear Anonymous Internet Hordes,

There are a couple of people on one of the arcs of my social circle who are causing me some concern. Let's call them Miss A and Mr B.

Miss A likes Mr B. Actually, no; let's be brutal - Miss A wants a man, and Mr B is a sufficiently acceptable unit. He's single, kindly, intelligent, chipper of personality and an altogether agreeable person. However, I'm pretty certain that Mr B has no romantic interest in Miss A. While she is a friendly and caring woman, she is also unhealthily obese, very loud and possessing a need for attention that verges on the pathological.

Mr B is not the sort of man to bluntly rebuff women, but frankly, Miss A is the sort of woman who requires rebuffment in the most violent terms possible if she's going to get the message.

So we have the unpleasant situation of naive Mr B bestowing on Miss A the blanket cheery friendliness he bestows on everyone, and Miss A misinterpreting that, almost wilfully, as a sign of his affection. She bears this out in a desperate physicality, sitting close to him, draping her hand over the back of his chair, lunging at every and any excuse to touch him.

It's ghastly to watch. It brings to mind a line from MST3K's version of 'Space Mutiny': "She's presenting like a mandrill!"

This can only end badly. I keep having to fight down the urge to yell, "For crying out loud, woman, show some dignity and quit pawing at him!" So far I've been able to control it, but I don't know how long I can continue. What should I do?

a) Have a word with Mr B and open his eyes to what he might not want to see?

b) Mind my own business and avert my eyes whenever necessary?

c) Get over myself and my prejudices against loud fat needy chicks?

d) Yell "For crying out loud, woman, show some dignity and quit pawing at him!"?

With concern,



Anonymous Matthew Jarvis said...

(b) and (c) would be the more traditionally white Anglo Saxon Protestant refined bachelor responses.

But perhaps there is a choice (e) - since Mr B sounds like a quite lovely chap, perhaps you could introduce him to some quietly secure, slender girls. And then, all being well, he and some she (Miss C?) will be "deeply, madly, passionately" to their mutual joy. Miss C will, either by her mere presence, or by the exercise of one of those female subtleties of which men remain blissfully unaware, restore some dignity to the situation. However, in this case, you will almost certainly need to exercise option (b) regularly, if for different reasons.

There is also an option (f), I realise. You could write a blog post about it, and hope that one or other of the Miss A or Mr B reads it.

Or option (g) - get a spray bottle filled with ice water...

1:03 PM  
Blogger Toby said...

(h) introduce her to a chubby chaser.

The gay world is so much better with these things - everyone knows the categories, and who wants to do what with whom...

3:52 PM  
Blogger Mack said...

I'm amazed - Toby suggested the very solution that crossed my mind (h).

As irresistable as the urge to intervene might be, I would sit quietly and avert my eyes. Mr. B likely knows what is going on, or will once Miss A does the inevitable. He might also be a closet chubosexual and might not yet be ready to "out" himself.

The tender side of an infantryman realizes that big beautiful girls have a lot to offer, but also acknowledges the sad truth that they're a lot like mopeds; a lot of fun to ride, but societal pressures are such that you certainly can't allow your friends to see you on one.

12:43 AM  
Blogger Blandwagon said...

1) Chubosexual = ha ha ha!!!

2) Dude, this is the wrong place to be making disparaging remarks about mopeds.

9:43 PM  
Blogger Mack said...

I would never. It's a more a commentary on the sad state of society and societal pressures that don't allow a man the pleasure of a wide open ride on a moped or a big beautiful woman.

12:04 AM  
Anonymous katerina-ballerina said...

Hello boys. I feel compelled to supply a female perspective here. I think that to be a good friend to Mr B you should go for option a. It is only kind to all involved (including frustrated spectators). If I were Miss A and could not see that Mr B was interested I would hope that someone would do the same for me.

It saddens me that you use the term 'fat needy chicks'. It's so bogan and degrading... you seem too gentlemanly for that.

12:40 AM  
Blogger Blandwagon said...

Fair point, katerina-ballerina. I'm sorry.

I should say, however, that it's the noisiness, the lack of self-restraint and the public mauling of a naive younger man that rankle most, not her weight.

10:09 AM  
Blogger Joshua Farrier said...

There does seem to be, even in spite of your last comment, an innate anti-overweight bias to your inital post. It is one thing to not be attracted to overweight people, but I seem to get the feeling that society thinks that fat people do not deserve love, somehow. Isn't that sad?

Many of these people have been overweight their entire lives, and statistics show that they will remain so until they die. So, they do not deserve love unless they spend years torturing themselves to do what must be one of the most humanly impossible things: losing 100 or more pounds? I don't think so.

Sorry to bring the tone down, ye hordes.

1:39 AM  
Blogger John said...

Like squeezing a zit and picking your nose (although not at the same time I hasten to add), this situation is something that people just have to deal with themselves. If 'Mr B' (could we call him Captain Shazam instead? Come on, 'Mr B' makes this sound like a sordid courtroom drama), if Captain Shazam doesn't like the girl, it's probably better for all concerned if he tells her himself, and in the meantime don't worry about it.

In my opinion.

Besides, he may actually like all the attention he's getting from Lady Alphatron, Guardian of the Universe. Possibly!

9:35 PM  

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