Tuesday, January 25, 2005


Things To Do To Not Waste The Australia Day Public Holiday

1. Clean up the yard. Prune the plumbago. Pick up that spider-infested chipboard tabletop that bowed into a banana shape after years of absorbing rainwater and take it out to the curb. Move on the illegal immigrants who've set up a refugee camp next to the compost tumbler.
2. Wash the car. A Hummer looks cool when it's covered in dirt and road grime, but a convertible Golf just looks like it's been stolen by a redneck.
3. Catch up with DM, because right now I only seem to see him when I want to borrow something, and I think he's beginning to notice.
4. Eat lamb, thus expressing solidarity with Sam Kekovich in his antipathy towards long-haired dope-smoking dole-bludging vegetarians.
5. Watch 'Firefly' live at 12.30am, because I don't have to get up for work in the morning.
6. Hug a kangaroo.
7. Hug an emu too, thus sharing the love with both animals on the Australian coat of arms.
8. Visit the Emergency Department for treatment of extensive kangaroo gashes and emu bites.
9. Get rid of the mess in the garage, including the box that the water heater came in, the spare radiator for the car I no longer own, the hubcap I found on the nature strip six months ago, and the stack of accumulated junkmail. The Flatmate's 1985 Nissan Pulsar will probably have to stay, even though it lowers the neighbourhood property values.
10. Write new lyrics to national anthem, so that while others are going on about "wealth for toil" and our home being "girt by sea" I can sing about what's really important to Australians: beer, avoiding work, a healthy mistrust of Tasmanians, and wondering what in the hell is up with Shane Warne's hair.

Note to non-Australians - If you don't know who Sam Kekovich or Shane Warne are, use Google. That's what it's there for. What am I, your mother?


Blogger MooCow said...

That's almost enough reasons to move to Aussie.

For reasons I can't quite remember about 5 years ago I got really into Aussie Rules Footbal and for some reason decided on the Crows as my team. How are they doing this year?

PS. I'm too lazy to google it.

12:44 PM  
Blogger Blandwagon said...

Captain Mark Ricciuto won the Brownlow Medal in 2003. It's sort of like a footballing Oscar.

Their only other claim to fame, at least that I can recall, is their aquisition of Wayne Carey. Carey, who used to be the skipper of the Kangaroos, is best-known for being kicked out of his club in 2002, after the rest of the team refused to play with him following revelations that he'd been boffing his Vice-Captain's wife.

It's all a colourful cavalcade of carnality here in Australia.

2:45 PM  

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