Thursday, June 28, 2007


Ah, movie aliens. As a general rule they are much like 'Big Brother' contestants: they behave in an offensive manner, inspire fear and loathing in the general population, and appear to be made of cheap plastic.

The Eye Creatures in 'Attack of the The Eye Creatures'* are no exception. They may be blessed with an abundance of eyes, but when it comes to invading the Earth these creatures are remarkably dense. In the spirit of interspecies cooperation, I'd like to offer them a few pointers from my comparatively extensive interplanetary invasion experience.

1. When invading another planet, take more than one spaceship. You never know when a spare might come in handy.

2. Before commencing your invasion, ask yourself: is it wisest to land my spaceship in the middle of nowhere then blunder about in the dark looking for random yokels to kill by hand, or should I just nuke the major cities from orbit?

3. Make sure your spaceship can take the rigours of, say, having a blowtorch trained on it for a few seconds.

4. Try to re-engineer your DNA so that you don't explode when subjected to any light source more intense than a glow-in-the-dark super ball.

5. If you can't re-engineer your DNA, try wearing a protective suit.

6. If you're fresh out of protective suits, would it kill you to put on a pair of pants? We're a sensitive species.

7. Given that you move slower than continental drift, you may like to invest in some guns before attempting to invade the Earth.

8. If you can't afford the best and brightest soldiers to include in your death squads, at least make sure that they're canny enough to outsmart these two:

9. Make sure your invasion plans are drawn up by some of your greatest military minds. It'd be embarrassing if your legions of conquest were outwitted by a bunch of horny teenagers with barely enough collective intelligence to dial a rotary phone.

10. If your planet needs women, please take the cast of 'Desperate Housewives'. Trust us; they're the best we've got. Would we lie to you?

*The film was originally titled 'The Eye Creatures', but a studio executive obviously wanted a punchier title, so he added 'Attack of the' in front. Hence 'Attack of the The Eye Creatures'. And thus the level of attention to detail was set for the entire film.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's so funny because it's true; at least about the Big Brother contestants. My only experience with planetary domination comes from 'Pinky and the Brain'.

2:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How is this interspecies cooperation? You're practically handing us over on a plate! Did you cut a deal with the rubber suited, bug-eyed enemy? Did you?!

Most of my childhood education consisted of Pinky and the Brain...

11:11 PM  
Blogger Blandwagon said...

I wouldn't worry about it too much. No one ever pays attention to consultants' recommendations.

11:16 AM  
Blogger Jege (Jen) said...


9:13 PM  

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