Thursday, January 11, 2007


Given the depictions of them in the popular media, it's a wonder anyone ever wants to visit an island. Between the Island of Dr Moreau (unethical experiments), Temptation Island (stomach-churning narcissism), Fantasy Island (florid overacting) and Tasmania (inbreeding), it's enough to make you hightail it to the centre of the largest landmass you can find. And to judge from 1962's 'The Horrors of Spider Island', the eponymous atoll is no exception.

Enroute to a gig in Singapore, a planeload of curvaceous American "dancers" crash lands in the ocean. The survivors make their waterlogged way to the nearest land, which turns out to be an uninhabited island. The only structure is a log cabin, in which they find a dead man entangled in a huge spider web.

What could have caused this? I was betting on giant squirrels myself, but apparently I was off the mark. It's up to Gary, the girls' swarthy manager, to investigate. He looks like an amalgam of every large, moustachioed, sleazy man who ever tried to pick up an American tourist in an Italian nightclub, but this offers him no protection when he is bitten by a spider and transformed into a bloodthirsty spider-Eurotrash hybrid. It's then up to the girls to use all their powers of cooing, cat-fighting and decorating their underwear with local wildflowers to protect them from the Horrors of Spider Island.

Fortunately for them, the only immediate Horror is Gary, and as he only manages to bump off one bikini babe after a whole 28 days on the island, he's not much of a Horror. Frankly, he's more of an Inconvenience, and let's face it, few punters are going to pay good money to see a movie called 'The Inconveniences of Spider Island'.

There really are some more horrifying Horrors on Spider Island, but you have to be a little more lateral to see them.


Top 10 Other Horrors of Spider Island

10. The nearest qualified person to give the girls a Brazilian is... well... in Brazil.

9. All the peroxide was lost in the crash.

8. Eventually all of the girls' periods will fall into synch. And then every man they meet will die.

7. The spiders look like they were cross-bred with Elmo.

6. May's "southern" accent sounds like she came from Alabama by way of Uzbekistan.

5. Once the hormones wear off, Babs will start to revert back to her original gender.

4. You just know that somewhere out there, Gary is weaving a web out of his own back hair.

3. Spider Island has no outlet malls.

2. Tampons made out of coconut fibres.

And the Number 1 Other Horror of Spider Island...

1. The original cut laid on the nude bimbo frolicking with a trowel... then they edited it all out so they could show it in drive-ins. Oh the humanity!



Blogger an9ie said...

Ah, a new game, how to "bland" down movie titles.
I envision:
"Nightmare at Slightly Uncomfortable Creek", "Cape Mortified", and "Children of the Gluten-Free Corn". Except corn isn't gluten-free. Dammit!

7:34 PM  
Blogger Blandwagon said...

You might be onto something here, An9ie. This blandenising of movies could really catch on!

The Amityville Surprise
Risky Attraction
Star Diplomatic Incidents
A Slightly Disturbing Dream About That One Guy In High School Who For Some Reason Keeps Holding You Up When You're Trying To Get To Work, And It's Really Frustrating On Elm Street

12:39 PM  

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