Monday, December 18, 2006


On the fifth day of Blandmas my true love gave to me; a sense of deep malaise and anger at an unjust and unfeeling universe. Every single thing I tried to do either didn't work or went wrong.

I went to buy an exercise bike at my local Kmart. They had run out. I asked the shop assistant if I could buy the display model. He didn’t know the price. I asked him to find out. He told me that there had been a power failure a few minutes before and most of the network had crashed; only three registers still worked, and the queues for them stretched halfway around the store. I took one look at the queues and left.

So I went to the Telstra shop to find out what was wrong with my mobile, which has been telling me that my credit is about to expire, despite the fact that I only bought it a few weeks ago. The shop assistant told me that because I’d only bought $20 credit, it was only valid for one month. I asked him why the last time I bought $20 credit it was valid for twelve months. He was at a loss to explain such an inconceivable thing. Since I only use my mobile for emergencies, averaging less than $2 in calls per month, I’m going to lose the bulk of my credit when it expires tomorrow.

So I went to a café to have some breakfast. I sat down with a magazine and waited to be served. I read the magazine. I finished the magazine. I started another magazine. Halfway through my second magazine I suddenly found myself in the narrow segment of the space/time continuum that is visible to waiters and thus managed to wrestle a coffee and some fruit toast out of one of them, a mere half hour after I’d walked in. The fruit toast was stale and the coffee tasted like someone had put out a cigarette in it.

So I went to look at a house for sale in a suburb I’d like to move to. I found a parking space and walked up to the house. The front door was locked and there was no sign of an estate agent. I checked my printout of the listing. I had the right time, the right date and the right address. I just didn’t have anyone to let me into the damn house.

So I went home and went back to bed and silently shouted abuse at the ceiling. That, at least, worked out like it was meant to.

Meanwhile, on the sixth through tenth days of Blandmas my true love gave to me; jack squat. I want a divorce.


Anonymous Darth Terios, your friendly local representative of the Sith controlled Galactic Empire. said...

Leave Telstra, join Vodafone, even if you spend just $20 it is valid for a year.

10:36 PM  

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