Wednesday, May 11, 2005


I went down to the cinema last night to see The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy. I was impressed. They stayed true to the spirit of the original even while adding new characters and subplots, and the set design was beautiful to look at, from the Heart of Gold to the animations in the Guide to the Terry-Gilliamesque world of the Vogons. I can see why it could be confusing to people who hadn't read the book recently, but I thought it was delightful.

But damn that "So Long And Thanks For All The Fish" broadway musical number. It's quite possibly the stickiest song ever to get stuck in a human head.

On the way out of the cinema, we needed to pass by Granny May's, home of useless crap and a complete lack of tiny propelling pencils, and I saw something in the window that I believe will demonstrate their corporate zeitgeist to skeptics who think I was exaggerating when I compared it unfavorably to Hell's giftshop.

It was a sculpture, about a foot tall, made from moulded plastic. It portrayed two equines, presumably mare and foal, riding a wave. They had single horns, making them unicorns, but also wings, making them pegasuses. So... unisuses? Pegacorns? Who knows? Mythological accuracy didn't seem to be the sculptor's strong suit.

In any case, they were probably going to drown in the wave, unless they were aquapegacorns or something.

But that's not all! It was also a lamp! Not a very effective lamp, probably, but at least it would help you avoid impaling yourself on a unihorn as you walked by it in the night.

But wait, there's still more! The mare's wings were made of real feathers!

And they were attached to little motors, so that when it was switched on, the wings would go up and down!

It was as if a small particle of stupid had lodged itself the Granny May's display window and slowly been coated in a steadily thickening nacre of stupid, most likely from all the thick stupid fumes given off by every other piece of merchandise in the store. If left in situ, this mutant-horse-shaped Pearl of Great Stupidity could develop terrible glitter, diamante and music box capabilities. It may even grow so big that it eventually crushes the entire shopping centre.

So, as you can see, it's not all bad news.


Blogger phaedrus said...

Man, you should move into sales and start dissing items more often. I really really want that piece now.

1:55 AM  
Blogger Laziest Girl said...

Stop, oh please stop, you're killing me here. How am I meant to fake working at the computer if I keep giggling out loud?

5:51 PM  

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