Wednesday, June 12, 2013



Thursday, June 06, 2013


Signs that you are officially old:

1. You're at a dinner party.

2. The youngest person there, by a significant margin, is 23.

3. He asks what "negative gearing" is... and six of the eight people at the table can tell him.

4. And four of those six speak from experience.


My only consolation is that I was one of the two people who had no idea.

Wednesday, June 05, 2013


Over the last few weeks my old iPhone 3G has started crashing, especially when asked to do something more taxing than show a text or call up a map. And over the last few days it's been doing it more and more often. On Saturday I tried to video something on my TV - spasms in the digital signal were autotuning an infomercial for Roombas in a way that was singularly hilarious - but each time I tried, it crashed not just the program but the entire operating system. After checking that it was indeed running the latest software, and getting a second opinion that it was probably a hardware issue, and fearing the prospect of having to function without Whatsapp and Shazam for more than half an hour, I bit the bullet and bought a new iPhone 5.

I'd like to tell you about how awesome my new iPhone is, but to be honest I have no idea because it's still in the box at home. That's because iPhone 5 uses a nanoSIM, and the iPhone 3G uses a normal SIM. The Apple store offers to swap SIMs for customers free of charge... but only for customers on the big telcos like Telstra, Optus and Vodafone. So until my service provider mails me out a new nanoSIM (in the post, which feels a little like getting a software update by carrier pigeon), my iPhone 5 is basically a phenomenally expensive and cranky iPod, one which only performs basic functions and constantly bewails the fact that it doesn't have a SIM.

Ironically, ever since I bought the iPhone 5 on Sunday, the iPhone 3G has been running perfectly. It even shoots flawless video. It's like a slovenly spouse who suddenly cleans up his or her act when you say you want a divorce.

Too late, bitch. I've moved on.

Monday, June 03, 2013


Although the climate in which I live is not condusive to apple trees fruiting, mine has done its darndest this year to give me apples. Unlike my nectarines, which were so stunted I suspect they may have been smoking, and my oranges, which were fibrous and really only suitable for juicing, my apples were as big and tasty as the ones I buy from the greengrocer.

In fact, some of them were considerably bigger.

Normal apple on the left. Gigantic mutant apple on right. It's supposed to be a Pink Lady, but it's more of a Pink 50 Foot Woman.

It was also delicious.