Treats

I’m adjusting well to the Spanish lifestyle. Still in bed at 9am? No problem, the breakfast places won’t even open for another hour.

It was raining for the first time on this holiday when I left my cell, and I found myself to be, apparently, the only person in Madrid without a hooded parka or an umbrella. But as an Australian male, I fear neither drought nor flooding rain, so I strolled nonchalantly through it and found a cute little cafe for breakfast. It turned out to be owned by a friendly Dutchman, and had only been open for about ten days. He made me a couple of excellent cortados and a crusty roll topped with Iberian ham, diced tomato and olive oil.

After breakfast I continued on to my main objective for the day; the Thyssen-Bornemisza Museum, one of the three main art galleries in Madrid. I’d already purchased my ticket online, but I think I walked through the wrong entrance and no one actually checked it. Oh well, virtue is its own reward.

The museum’s collection is the product of two very rich people – an industrialist (Thyssen) and a baroness (Bornemisza) marrying and deciding to splurge on some art. There’s a bit of a taste gap in the 18^th century, from which they bought a lot of dull saccharine landscapes, but their tastes for the 20^th century were exceptional, with some great works by Picasso, Kandinsky, Gaugin and Pissarro.

There were also a lot of works in desperate need of renaming.

It’s Hard To Have “Us” Time When You Have Kids, Carlo Saraceni, 1600

Enough With The Screaming; Check Out These Adorable Baby Geese!, Edvard Munch, 1911

Early Pollsters Calling The Swing State For The Republicans, Max Pechstein, 1912

Ventriloquist Dummies On A Date, Heinrich Campendonk, 1915

Seriously, Larry, You’re Working Nude Again!?, Pablo Picasso, 1907

21^st Century Australian Home Build Quality, Ludwig Meidner, 1913

Mary Hates Jesus Constantly Adjusting Her Crown. Jesus Hates That He Constantly Has To Adjust Mary’s Crown, Maestro, 1355

The Danger Of Buying A Dress On Temu, Paris Bordone, 1543

Adam & Eve’s OnlyFans Collab: The Real Reason They Got Kicked Out Of The Garden, Hans Baldung Grien, 1531

Timothee Chalamet Thinks This Is The Worst Oscars After Party Ever, Valentin Boulogne, 1617

Since the weather had cleared for a time, I decided to take a turn around Retiro, another of Madrid’s large, beautifully tended public parks. It featured more overachieving statuary – it’s difficult to imagine what anyone did to necessitate a monument on this scale.

“Wait, you were a regional governor from 1812 to 1818!? We need more cherubs! More horses! A taller column! And most importantly, how do you feel about owls?”

The good weather was holding, and thanks to some gelato I had the energy, so I opted to push on and visit the Plaza de Toros. The phenomenon of bullfighting deserves nothing less than this gigantic edifice. Hemingway would be proud.

Speaking of whom, on my way back, my energy finally sapped after 22kms of walking, I stopped at one of the cocktail bars on my To Do list; the Hemingway Bar on Plaza de Matute. The Spanish are a little obsessed with Hemingway, and he was a little obsessed with them, so I guess this little bromance for the ages makes sense. No homo.

In honour of the great writer, I had a beautifully made traditional daiquiri (his favourite drink). I also had some pinchos – slabs of cured tuna with toasted almonds, olive oil and a little crostini. It shouldn’t have worked, but it absolutely did.

I followed up my daiquiri with a mule containing gin, watermelon liqueur, citrus and cinnamon, which was refreshing and sweet but with a little spiced kick from the cinnamon.