Tuesday, August 05, 2008


The internet is an unforgiving place, where one grammatical error or misconstrued opinion can result in a vast torrent of ridicule and vitriol. Few sites are safe, but there is one last place where people can indulge their ignorance, misconceptions, greed and false expectations without being trolled into oblivion.

I speak, of course, of eBay. You won’t find a larger collection of dumbasses anywhere on the internet. And because there are no comments, they can live in their fools’ paradises without molestation.

Like all subcultures, the Dumbasses of eBay tend to drift into distinct subcategories. These ones were taken from a single page (the first) within a single section (Sofas/Couches) for a single city (Perth).

1. The Dyslexic Dumbass

its a gray and bule sofa in great condition, there is a two seter and two sigal setters. its a pick up only..

To be fair, this person was obviously experiencing a stroke while typing. And also possibly while selecting their lounge suite circa 1989.

2. The Aesthetic Dumbass

Gorgeous, stylish black 2 seater leather sofa - will add a touch of class to any living area.

True, as long as we remember that “a touch” means “a very small amount”. This is about as gorgeous and stylish as Boris Johnson after a kahlua bender.

3. The Shouting Dumbass


THANK YOU. Appropriately enough, the couch is even louder than the All Caps title, and may be being sold in accordance with a court order after it blinded several local children.

4. The Misleading Dumbass

Three piece lounge suite eames era retro ( good con )

A good con indeed. This faux-Queen Anne monstrosity clings to the Eames design philosophy about as closely as Ingrid Newkirk clings to a side of beef. To call it Eames Era is like saying that Michael Jackson’s ‘Dangerous’ album is an example of grunge because it was recorded in 1991.

5. The Grand High Dumbass of Financial Expectation

It's a beautiful 3 piece suite which we have had for many years, it does have some small holes to it's cane work, and the covers have some marks.

It’s old, it’s ugly, and there are holes in the canework. Reserve price: $3,000. Buy It Now price: $5,000. Number of bids: 0. Ha ha ha!

Meanwhile, in related news, I still can't find a new living room sofa I like.


Blogger Ross said...

Actually, No.2 could be telling the truth. A Touch Of Class is a local bordello in Riley Street, and it does kind of suit. But as for No 3, eek, give us a warning. It threw me back in my seat. Slight whiplash.

A tip for sofa buying: DON'T go leather, despite designer pressure. It's cold in winter, you stick to it in summer, and it's lousy when you have the sniffles and just want to cosily curl up.

Happy hunting.

6:39 PM  
Blogger 2BarRiff said...

And leather is very loud and uncomfortable when you and your SO are gettin' it on.

10:49 PM  
Blogger TimT said...

Number three is more exciting than a post-Chupa-Chups-bender vomit!

10:04 AM  
Anonymous Janine said...

I have to respond to Ross' advice about not buying leather. We do own some good quality leather furniture and could never say it's cold in winter and sticks to you in summer etc. Those attributes belong to vinyl and I've lived on vinyl for a few years too. Even the faux-leather/luxo-vinyl whatever they call it feels like that. Real leather is soft to touch, will warm nicely and not stick to you, and, in my experience, if it's well made, will make you feel warm and cosy and comfortable regardless of what you are doing on the couch ("having the sniffles" or ""getting it on").

That said, buy what you like, regardless of designer pressure. But, judging from the previous posts here you don't really need that advice do you?

But speaking as a mother of 2.5 children, good quality dyed and not painted leather is soooooo much easier to clean baby spew off, it's not even funny. Not sure that's a premium consideration given your current situation in life, but I'm sure various other noxious substances will clean off in a similar way, without leaving any tell-tale smells. At all.

My PC-addled brain is arguing with itself about how snooty I sound, but then I recalled the subject of this post and figured snooty was ok.

BTW, you post far too infrequently for someone who checks your site everyday. Do more fun things and write about them, so I can read them OK! It is all about me.

1:01 PM  
Blogger Blandwagon said...

I have to agree with Janine about the leather. My Eames chair warms up nicely once I sit in it, and unlike fabric the leather will only look more interesting with age.

I can speak to neither the baby puke nor the gettin' it on aspects of leather ownership. I'm sure my Eames chair would be delighted to know that it is unlikely to be subjected to either.

1:27 PM  
Blogger TimT said...

Parents should just buy number three. Even if the baby DOES puke, no-one will notice.

2:31 PM  
Anonymous ultrabert said...

Baby puke aside (...farther, please), the real money question is:

Does Perth have a Grand High Shouting Dyslexic Aesthetic and Misleading Dumbass (of Financial Expectation), and would the item in question be of the so-bad-its-good enough ilk to buy?

4:02 PM  
Blogger Blandwagon said...

I think the Ultimate Dumbass eBay Ad would look a little something like this:


[picture of faded, ugly mustard velour sofa from 1986]

$10,000 ONO !!!1!

And no, it wouldn't be so bad it's worth buying. The vendor would probably deserve some kind of civic commendation, however.

12:40 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home