Tuesday, February 13, 2007


Perhaps it’s because my house is so clean, but lately I’ve been in the mood for redecorating. For a while I’ve been dissatisfied with the part of the house that lies directly behind the front door… I suppose you call it the vestibule, or the entry hall, or something else that sounds ridiculous when applied to anything less imposing than the Palace of Versailles.

So, in this instalment of The World of the Blandwagon, I give you the Chez Blanders Reception Foyer.

entry statement

Apparently, according to interior designers, home owners are supposed to make an “entry statement” so that guests will be suitably awed when they cross the threshold. That’s if you do it right. Do it wrong and your guests may instantly decide that you are a pretentious bastard, and spend their evening surreptitiously grinding sundried tomato canapés into your couch cushions out of spite.


People always ask if the phone works, and in fact it does. However it can only be used for answering calls, as the spring has gone in the rotary dial, and if you dial a ‘9’ it takes several minutes to work its way back around. On the other hand, it does have a nice loud old-fashioned ring. It’s also made of quarter-inch thick bakelite and cast iron – you could club a burglar to death with it. Or, indeed, a vindictive guest with a sundried tomato canapé.


I made these cows out of scrap wood left over from an extension to a rental house back in the early 90s. I still think they’re one of my more serendipitous efforts.


There was this bit of wood left over from another project, and some good nails, and a packet of tealights, and it all just sort of came together. Unfortunately when the candles get hot and soft, they tend to fall out. Well, I’m an artist, not an engineer! Excuse me while I hurl my beret to the floor and go cry into my absinthe.

pew end

A friend of mine picked up some carved legs from the pews of an old church that was being demolished, and he gave them to me. They are solid jarrah and would also be useful for sundry burglar/canapé-grinding guest bashing.

fishing spear

This is one of a pair of fishing spears from Papua New Guinea. They will be useful for impaling any salmon who are foolhardy enough to ring my doorbell.

I found this old mirror in a junk shop. It’s possibly Edwardian, and possibly off a dressing table, although it seems far too tall and narrow. Perhaps it was a custom job for someone with a conjoined twin growing out of the top of their head?

Unfortunately after guests make it past the Reception Foyer, they are immediately confronted by my living room furniture, which is old, grimy and splitting where the fabric has rotted. Frankly the only thing holding it all together is the dried bits of canapé. Thus any good impressions my guests had are immediately undone. Oh well.


Blogger an9ie said...

Very nice. I like how the position of the mirror makes it look like a village altar. It would also be an excellent prop for playing "Bloody Mary". All-in-all, very voodoo-priest chic :)

My parents had a phone like that, I think it was baby poo green, or whatever that ubiquitous green was from the 70s/80s. It's sad when things from your childhood reach antique status.

Re: vindictive guests. Next time, just match the canapes to the colour of the sofa. Are your sofas dark red with little yellow spots? Bring on the sundried tomato canapes!

8:38 AM  
Blogger Blandwagon said...

I thought the mirror might be bad feng shui, but I figure it's high enough that I'll get sufficient good mojo scuttling in at floor level.

The phone is from the early 1940s. I may be getting elderly, but that's still not my childhood!

As for my vindictive guests - I'm planning for my next sofa to be leather, and thus relatively canape-proof. That'll learn 'em.

11:23 AM  
Blogger an9ie said...

Well, Brunei was pretty much stuck in the 40's when I was a kid. I think we got our first McDonald's in 1992 or something like that.

Why not just go ethnic and have the sofa completely glad-wrapped?

12:55 PM  
Blogger Eric said...

What the entry says to me is that you're ready to spear anyone who dares enter the sacred inner sactum they've stumbled into. The phone mocks these hapless souls, unable to call the authorities for help.

The cows look on with their cold, dead gaze. Sniggering to themselves.

1:00 PM  
Blogger Blandwagon said...

At last, someone finally understands me.

Also the bludgeoning with the pew legs. Don't forget the bludgeoning with the pew legs.

3:28 PM  
Blogger Iris Flavia said...

Spacious! And nice :-)
Especially the candle-holder. Some thin wire, doublecrossed could hold them. The cows are great, too!

4:34 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home