Thursday, March 16, 2006


As every blogger knows, traffic comes to his or her blog via the darndest keyword searches. They seem to fall into four broad catagories:

1) The Latest News

eg "ben cousins cocaine" has made more than one appearance in my logs.

2) Porn

eg "gwyneth paltrow in stockings" - dude, seek help.

3) Specialty Interests

eg "women of the prehistoric planet", and other MST3K delights.

4) Some Combination Of The Above

"ben cousins naked", "cassandra peterson naked", "tom servo naked" etc etc etc.

However there is one search that keeps popping up, month in, month out, despite the fact that I wrote about it only once, almost a year ago. And that search is "Ursula Andress".

Why is everyone interested in Ursula Andress? Wait, let me rephrase that... apart from the two obvious reasons, why is everyone interested in Ursula Andress? And more importantly, if everyone is so interested in Ursula Andress, why is there so little Ursula Andress-related material on the internet that all the searches come to one little thing I wrote back in 2005?

I believe that blogs come into existence for a reason, and I also believe that that reason is usually stupid. There are far stupider raisons d'etre than ill-informed coverage of Ursula Andress, so really, I should get to and give the online public what they want.

To that end, this Saturday night I am hosting AndressFest '06, a cavalcade of Ursula Andress and her fine cinematic oeuvre, timed to coincide with her birthday on Sunday. I will meet with like-minded cinephiles to view such classics as 'She' (Hammer Horror from 1965) and 'Fun in Acapulco' (also featuring an obscure musician of the time named Presley), then blog about it. Ursula Ursula Ursula! Oi Oi Oi!

If you are a local reader and would like to take part in AndressFest '06, email me before Saturday night at the address in the top left corner of my profile. Together we can give Ursula Andress - Bond girl, slave to the cannibal god, and original hot blonde Swiss bikini babe - the cyberpresence she deserves.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hmmmmm. How would you get the three syllable "Ursula" into the quaver rhythm of "Aussie-Aussie-Aussie! Oi! Oi! Oi!"?

Two and a bit suggestions.

1a Shorten "Ursula" to a two syllable affectionate diminutive form - "Ursi" is obvious, and sounds very similar to "Aussie", allowing you to praise Ms Andress loudly at sporting events without getting beaten up, but the "r" is difficult to pronounce clearly at speed.

1b I've heard "Ushi" used as a diminutive for "Ursula" - that fits the sound and rhythm of "Aussie" much better.

2 Rather than the "2 quavers" rhythm of "Aussie", pronouce "Ursula" as a "quaver and two semi-quavers", emphasising the "Ur" sound.

Ushi! Ushi! Ushi! Oi! Oi! Oi!

8:31 AM  
Blogger Blandwagon said...

Or we could just go with Ur-Su-La! Oi Oi Oi!

Although that way she does sound like a Klingon.

9:28 AM  
Blogger phaedrus said...

You're soooooo search engine baiting it's not even funny. Your Ursula traffic will triple. I guarantee it.

9:37 AM  
Blogger Cookster said...

Blandy, you're right on the money with the search requests - for some reason, a search of 'bestiality' will lead you to my blog, as does 'Ben Cousins + Booze', 'shark attack' and 'Tony Mokbel'... go figure.

Based on your advice, I'm now going to do an Ursula Andress post and watch my traffic triple!

2:58 PM  
Blogger Cookster said...

And, this post on your blog also led to a hit on my site...

2:59 PM  

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