Lost

Dear JJ Abrams,

I am enjoying the first season of 'Lost', especially as we explore the back stories of the characters. It will be fascinating to see how you explain Locke's miraculous healing, the presence of the polar bears, the giant man-eating monster, the reason why the giant man-eating monster didn't eat Locke when it had the chance, the ability of the numbers to curse the loved ones of those who use them, the fact that compasses don't work, the prophesy about Claire's baby, Walt's mysterious powers, the origins of Ethan, the big metal hatch in the ground and the whisperings in the jungle. I look forward to seeing how all of this will be drawn together to create a cohesive whole, since only a complete tool would throw all of these things into the mix without carefully considering how he was going to do this.

However, before you get stuck into making season two, if you plan to set any further scenes in Australia, there are a few things you ought to know.

1. Australians do not recognise 'shrimp'. We eat prawns. Go anywhere in this wide brown land and you will never see a big sign advertising 'shrimp'.

2. We do not drive 'pick-ups'. We drive utes. The only time the word "pick-up" passes our lips is when we're ordering pizza and we don't want it delivered.

3. There may be Cape Cod houses somewhere in this country. But if there are, they're not in the suburbs of Sydney.

4. Kalgoorlie is pronounced Kal-GOOR-lee, not like Calgary with a cold.

5. Australians sound like Australians, not like South African Cockneys experiencing a stroke.

Please bear this in mind as you continue with the next season. Failure to do so will result in a visit by our infamous Ninja Koalas, the Scourge of the Pacific Rim. They have no mercy and they smell like half-digested eucalyptus, so ignore my advice at your peril.

Best wishes,

Blandwagon

P.S. Congratulations on getting our money right, though.