A Personal Message From Michael Jackson

Hello everyone. This is Michael Jackson. You may remember me from such movies as Thriller and The Changing Face of Michael Jackson.

You see, if I’m up with the in-jokes on ‘The Simpsons Family’, I can’t really be that weird, can I?

Anyway, in recent weeks, during my stressful and unpleasant time in court, a certain blogger named Blandwagon has been writing very hurtful things about me in the internet forums “MichaelJackson4eva” and his own “Michael Jackson Is A Perverted Freak Whose Very Existence Defiles The Good Name Of Humanity”. I complained to Mr Wagon, through my lawyers, and in response he offered me the right of reply on his blog, which he assures me gets around forty billion hits a day. Then he ran away, crying like a little girl.

So let’s set the record straight here. I am not a pervert, and I did not molest little boys. True, the police searching my house uncovered enough porn to completely wallpaper Larry Flynt's house. And true, the porn covers a full range of niche interests, from ‘Barely Legal’ to ‘Over 50s’ to ‘Members of the British Judiciary Molesting Suffolk, Romney Marsh and Tukidale Sheep.’ But despite the mute evidence of this porn stashed around my bedroom, my interest in sleeping with pre-pubescent boys was purely platonic.

And granted, it may be difficult for you to reconcile my public image as the innocent, child-like Peter Pan of Santa Ynez with the inconvenient porn-snuffling, wine-chugging, nasally-disintegrating, hush-money-paying habits of a deranged 50 year old man. But you should.

If you can’t, well, personally I blame the cynicism of the media.

I dream of a day when a man like me, who loves little children (or at least the male ones) can express his love physically, through the completely chaste acts of sleeping and showering with them. If we can’t do that, then we will have lost our collective innocence forever.

Thank you. I love you all… especially Mr Alphonse’s third grade class at Middleman Academy. Thanks for all the photos! I’ll be seeing you soon!

Michael xxx