Friday, November 17, 2006


My MST3K movie on Tuesday night was 'The Mole People', from 1956. I'm not saying that this tale of pompous archeologists stumbling across a lost civilisation of murderous Sumerian albinos living deep under the Himalayas with a race of enslaved mole people is bad... I just prefered the original novel by Jane Austen. She really knew how to draw the reader into her world.

Not without cause, Mike and the Bots spent most of the movie excoriating that stalwart of bad sci-fi cinema, John Agar. And fair enough; the man was the theatrical equivalent of a cold McDonalds french fry. But with only 77 minutes of movie, they didn't have time to properly explore the other human disaster zones cluttering up the screen.

Take Hugh Beaumont, for example.

Hmmm. Yes. Hugh Beaumont. I looked him up on to get a better feel for his oeuvre. And having felt his oeuvre, I had to immediately rush off and wash my hands. You see, judging by the titles of the films in his resume, Hugh spent most of his early career in the 40s and 50s making some fierce dirty porn.

Let's have a brief look at the filmography of Hugh Beaumont: Porn Star.

Jackpot (1940)

Hugh's first film, obviously made before the term "money shot" was coined.

The Cowboy and the Blonde (1941)

Also featuring the Brunette, the Redhead, and the Chinese Contortionist.

South of Panama (1941)

If you know what I mean. And I think you do.

Forbidden Passage (1941)

In 48 states, anyway.

Weekend in Havana (1941)

Like anyone has ever spent the weekend in Havana just buying Che T-shirts and visiting historic churches.

Unfinished Business (1941)

I understand this happens to all men at some time.

Private Nurse (1941)

Given that no one has ever made a non-porn film with a private nurse in it, I think this one's a safe bet.

The Wife Takes a Flyer (1942)

I bet she does, I bet she does, nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more! Also known as 'A Yank in Dutch', which is an even more grotesquely porny title than the other one.

Du Barry was a Lady (1943)

A mere three years into his career, Hugh's descent into the weird stuff begins.

There's Something About a Soldier (1943)

Possibly it's the uniform...

Top Sergeant (1943)

Definitely the uniform.

I Love a Soldier (1944)

Thus bringing to a conclusion Hugh's infamous gay military porn trilogy.

Strange Affair (1944)

Or maybe not.

Mr Winkle Goes to War (1944)

I can only hope that this was an educational movie from the Army Film Corps about sexual hygiene. However, given that it's sometimes known as 'Arms and the Woman', it's a feeble hope.

The Lady Confesses (1945)

"I've been bad. So very, very bad. And I must be punished, Mr Beaumont. Severely punished!"

Three on a Ticket (1947)

A reasonably big ticket, presumably.

Mr. Belvedere Blows His Whistle (1951)

Can't breathe... choking on laughter... help me...

Night Without Sleep (1952)

Hugh, you machine you!

Wild Stallion (1952)

Presumably filmed after he'd had a few days to recover from 'Night Without Sleep'.

Phone Call from a Stranger (1952)

Hugh's adventures at the business end of a 1800 number.

The Member of the Wedding (1953)

*cough* *hack* *splutter* I really shouldn't be drinking coffee while reading these.

Climax! (1955)

Sweet. Merciful. Crap.

Like Hugh himself, this just goes on and on and on. And now if you'll excuse me, I need to go take a shower.


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