Abominations

I started the day with a light breakfast out on the patio at Tortoni Caffe in Sherman Oaks, which provided me with a relatively decent coffee and an orange and cranberry scone. My enjoyment was a little disrupted by a middle-aged white woman nearby, gushing in a high-pitched baby voice at a tiny dog (an Italian greyhound cross, I’d guess), while her friend, its owner, was inside ordering. She seemed to be trying to enthuse it about the friend’s return, whipping the poor little creature up into a frenzied jitter.

Well done, madam, I thought. You’re a hype man for a dog. Maybe that’s a thing here in LA, but it is really why you have the precious gift of life?

Still, I guess at least she was behaving like a fallible human being. On Wednesday morning I’d had coffee and a pastry at a nearby espresso bar called The Boy & The Bear, where every single person apart from me had less than 10% body fat and a laptop to silently but intently tap at. It was the sort of place where a typical patron might say, “This is my zen space for writing,” without an ounce of irony or humour.

After breakfast I went exploring and shopping down Ventura Boulevard. I bought a light caramel-coloured lambswool Calvin Klein sweater and a tropical print rayon shirt for $16US at a Goodwill. They were both relatively tasteful. But then I went over the street to Buffalo Exchange, a vintage clothing store unassociated with either good taste or Christian charity, and bought these glorious abominations:

Exploitation Babes… in SPACE!

I feel that every time I wear this I will have the wisdom of Kermit at my disposal.

When lunchtime rolled around I decided to make use of one of the Latino food trucks I’d noticed parked along Sepulveda Boulevard. The woman who took my ordered rattled a number of incoherent questions at me – I caught “queso” and “cilantro” and not much else – but I just said yes to everything and eventually I was $12US poorer but possessed a burrito half the size of a newborn baby. However it was much tastier than any baby I’ve ever eaten.