Saturday, March 26, 2016


In disastrous news for the waistlines and blood pressures of breakfasters across Melbourne, the Goathouse Café in Elsternwick has developed and started selling coffee maple bacon.

Let me repeat that. Coffee. Maple. Bacon. You couldn’t make it more irresistible if you draped it across the naked body of Ursula Andress circa 1964.

Coffee maple bacon is powerful stuff, forcing the strongest and most taciturn of men to make the same sounds as 14 year old schoolgirls who have just discovered Zayn Malik in the checkout queue in Tesco’s. Unlike many embellished foods, it tastes just as good as one would imagine an amalgamation of coffee, maple syrup and bacon to taste… that is, extremely.

But that poses the question, in between bouts of calorie, nitrate, sucrose, caffeine and fat-fuelled gluttony: have we reached Peak Fancy Bacon? It’s a sobering possibility. I suppose one could work whiskey in there somewhere, but then one would run the risk of overwhelming the senses and destroying the physical universe as we know it!

And making me drunk as well as fat and jittery.


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