Friday, June 26, 2009


The last of the 1933 family quizzes focuses on dear old Dad. Fathers of this time had a hard life: the Great Depression meant that there was no money, Prohibition meant that there was no booze, and Angelina Jolie hadn't been invented yet. There wasn't much for a man to do other than wear a fedora and beat the children.

Even so, the newspaper helpfully offered suggestions on how a man could be an ideal father. According to them, the perfect dad did all of the following:

10. Takes child to visit his office or place of business.

Which would be fine if not for the fact that Daddy is a prison warder.

19. Arranges for child to spend some time on a farm and in the city.

Anywhere where Dad isn't, really.

17. Uses sandwich method of correction - a criticism between compliments.

Or, alternately, beating them over the head with a stale roast beef baguette.

13. Takes child on "flower", "bird" or camera hike.

"C'mon kid, we're going on a "bird" hike. I'm hoping to see a Grey Goose."

But no father is perfect; just ask David Hasselhoff. Every father in the world today has done things of which he is not proud, whether it be missing little Billy's school play or accidentally taping the Grand Final over 'Finding Nemo'. However the fathers of 1933 were in a class of their own. Between molesting underaged girls, smoking dope and boasting about their adultery, one wonders where Depression-era dads found the time to father children at all, let alone raise them.

20. Uses tobacco, dope, alcohol or profanity.

This is one of the scourges of the modern family. I remember when my old man was arrested for possession of 6 ounces of f*ck and driving with a blood c*nt level of .12. You never quite get over it.

24. Too affectionate to daughter's girl friends, kissing or "pawing" them.

It could be worse. He could be doing that to her boy friends.

18. Opposed to vaccination, diptheria immunization, needed surgery, etc.

"No child of mine is having a bone marrow transplant! When I was a boy we took our leukemia on the chin, like men!"

14. Plays with child's toys so it can't use them, as electric train, etc.

Or "hogging the XBox", as we know it today. Of course back in 1933 the contents of most toy chests consisted of a stick, a hoop, a vulcanized rubber ball and a coloured slave, so the child really wasn't missing out on that much.

21. Gets drunk.

The children would have prefered a puppy.

19. Lets child know of father's unfaithfulness to wife.

Dad: Son, did I ever tell you about the affair I had with your mother's aerobics instructor?

Kid: What!?

Dad: Of course it was purely sexual. She had thighs that could snap a man in half...



Blogger Eric B. said...

FYI, #21 had me LOL.

(Practicing my twitting. Tweeting?)

9:12 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home