Empty

The Flatmate has persuaded some of his scaly mates from England to come out and visit him. Unfortunately a couple of weeks ago his employers packed him off to a mine site and the aforementioned scaly mates all arrive before he gets back. The first of them got here yesterday, and while he sleeps off his jetlag I’m wracking my brains trying to work out what to do with him. Naturally my greatest priority is to prevent him from learning that I live a dull life punctuated only by Festivals of Bad Cinema, booze and going to church.


So I’m searching for things to do. There must be something interesting to do around here. If we were in Florence we could climb the Duomo. If we were in Geneva we could explore a thousand year old castle. If we were in Melbourne we could go to a cool jazz club.


But we’re not in any of those places. We’re in Perth.


It occurred to me that maybe I’m being unfair to Perth. In a city of 1.5 million people there must be more to do than shop for plasma televisions or get booked for speeding on the freeway. There must be things for tourists to do that we locals simply overlook.


So I consulted the internet, and according to the experienceperth.com website, here are the top seven things to do in Perth:


1. Explore the lush gardens and parklands in KINGS PARK whilst enjoying the majestic city and river views

Translation: wander around a park. Gotcha.


2. Visit some of the cities top attractions, like the PERTH MINT, the SWAN BELLS BELLTOWER, the MUSEUM and ART GALLERY

A money factory, a bell tower, a museum and an art gallery. Oh, and a complete inability to tell the difference between the possessive and plural forms. Hooray.


3. Get some retail therapy and GO SHOPPING in the city malls, King Street or at the factory outlet centre HARBOUR TOWN

Translation: buy some crap at the same franchised stores you have in whatever city it is that you’ve come from.


4. Discover the secrets of the city on a GUIDED TOUR or explore in your own time on the free CAT buses

Translation: Go on a bus. Whee.


5. Spend time enjoying the beautiful SWAN RIVER – walk along the banks, hire a bike, join a cruise or for a thrilling ride go jet boating or parasailing!

Translation: Hang out next to, or on, a big featureless body of water. Or throw money at it until it becomes interesting.


6. Venture further afield and explore the trendy OUTER SUBURBS surrounding the City centre

That’s one of the seven top things to do in Perth – visit the suburbs? Sweet merciful crap!


7. Join some friends for a relaxing drink or a delicious meal in one of the many local BARS AND RESTAURANTS

Translation: Drink. Heavily. Hey, it works for the locals.