Monday, May 28, 2007

Closed

This is worrying:


KEVIN Rudd has promised to close the 17-year gap in life expectancy between black and white Australians within a generation.


Given the millions of dollars spent, relatively unsuccessfully, on Aboriginal health it seems that closing the gap from below doesn't work. One can only assume that Mr Rudd proposes closing it from above; that is, limiting the white Australian life expectancy to better match that of their black bretheren.


How will he do this? In the interests of interracial equality I humbly offer these suggestions:


  • Seniors Cards laced with strychnine.
  • High-voltage electrodes hidden in telephone earpieces that electrocute the caller when they phone an AM radio talkback show.
  • Subliminal messages encouraging suicide, embedded in 'Dancing With The Stars' and 'Gardening Australia'.
  • Scorpions hidden in boxes of orthopaedic shoes.
  • Old Spice, now with added Zyklon B!
  • Landmines at lawn bowls.
  • Replacing the entire staff at Australian Pensioners Insurance Agency with ninjas.
  • Speed cameras that shoot death rays when they detect a Nissan Pulsar dawdling down the freeway at 60 and flashing its left indicator for no apparent reason.

Further suggestions will be forwarded to Mr Rudd post haste.

5 Comments:

Blogger phaedrus said...

Turn "Help, I've fallen and I can't get up!" into the new hot catchphrase, thereby rendering it about as urgent as "Who let the dogs out?"?

12:02 PM  
Blogger Laziest Girl said...

Get rid of the "this seat is reserved for the elderly" signs on buses.

12:16 PM  
Anonymous TroyG said...

*unrestrained guffaws*

I bet Kevin Rudd had just watched "Logan's Run" and come away with different ideas than the rest of us (which indicates a problem with Derridan/ reader-response theories of interpretation).

The rest of us: *shudder* what a horrid idea. People shouldn't be valued by what they do and their youth and beauty: ghastly!

Kevin Rudd: Hmm: we do need a health policy ...

Watch out next week for Labor's statement of new immigration policy: there will be a repeat of "Terminator".

11:49 AM  
Blogger Blandwagon said...

Good, good; but we need to improve the chances of actual fatality. The nation is depending on us.

Which reminds me: underwear liners (for those little "accidents")infused with sodium. That'd work.

11:51 AM  
Blogger emawkc said...

"Subliminal messages encouraging suicide, embedded in 'Dancing With The Stars' "

I could have sworn that those messages were already embedded. Seriously, when my wife watches that show I feel like jumping under a sequined bus.

5:18 AM  

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