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This is worrying:


KEVIN Rudd has promised to close the 17-year gap in life expectancy between black and white Australians within a generation.


Given the millions of dollars spent, relatively unsuccessfully, on Aboriginal health it seems that closing the gap from below doesn't work. One can only assume that Mr Rudd proposes closing it from above; that is, limiting the white Australian life expectancy to better match that of their black bretheren.


How will he do this? In the interests of interracial equality I humbly offer these suggestions:

• Seniors Cards laced with strychnine.

• High-voltage electrodes hidden in telephone earpieces that electrocute the caller when they phone an AM radio talkback show.

• Subliminal messages encouraging suicide, embedded in 'Dancing With The Stars' and 'Gardening Australia'.

• Scorpions hidden in boxes of orthopaedic shoes.

• Old Spice, now with added Zyklon B!

• Landmines at lawn bowls.

• Replacing the entire staff at Australian Pensioners Insurance Agency with ninjas.

• Speed cameras that shoot death rays when they detect a Nissan Pulsar dawdling down the freeway at 60 and flashing its left indicator for no apparent reason.

Further suggestions will be forwarded to Mr Rudd post haste.