Off

Nobody can doubt that I am in need of a holiday. My only break last year was a long weekend in Bridgetown, and the year before was a month-long tour of outlet malls in Melbourne and Sydney. It's time to get real and take a proper holiday, preferably one involving passports and new experiences and additions to my snow dome collection.


I've gathered up all of my ideas, and created a balanced list of their pros and cons:


1) Buying a Vespa and scootering the length of Italy, stopping at the many interesting bits.

Upside: The open air! The Italian countryside! The food! The architecture! La dolce vita!

Downside: Italian drivers. They are famous for being homicidal maniacs, and for good reason. I wouldn't get five miles before I fetched a faceful of Fiat.


2) Cycling through Spain, perhaps from Barcelona on the Mediterranean up through Andorra to San Sebastian on the Bay of Biscay.

Upside: Exotic, evocative landscapes, the beauty of Barcelona, endless blue skies and warm sunshine. And plentiful oranges!

Downside: My mental picture is of me, unencumbered by worldly goods, spinning along a quiet, dusty road, stopping at taverns for tapas and a glass of local red. The reality would be me slogging through the rain on a saddlebag-laden bike along the side of a thundering motorway, risking death by juggernaut at every wobble.

Plus I think there's the odd steep hill in that part of the world.


3) The trans-Canadian railway, from Vancouver to Halifax with many points inbetween.

Upside: The mountainous beauty of Canada, from snow-capped peaks to grass-covered plains. Also, English-speakers and fellow Commonwealthians!

Downside: Sitting on a train for two weeks - yee hah! Did I age fifty years overnight?


4) A hiking tour of Tasmania.

Upside: Gorgeous rainforests, impressive history, glorious scenery, mild climate, much opportunity for gourmet snacking.

Downside: Ever seen 'Deliverance'?


5) A journey through Thailand, experiencing one of the nicer parts of South East Asia.

Upside: Beautiful beaches, cheap travel, friendly people, delicious food, exotic culture.

Downside: I'm allergic to coriander.


6) Some sort of tour of New Zealand, perhaps a mixture of driving, cycling and walking.

Upside: Comparatively inexpensive, spectacular and varied landscapes, no language barriers, and they drive on the proper, Australian side of the road.

Downside: It's full of New Zealanders. And Lord of the Rings fanatics.


7) Staying at home and spending the money on a huge leather couch and an even bigger widescreen LCD TV.

Upside: Watching MST3K DVDs until my eyeballs crack like elderly walnuts.

Downside: Having to kill myself for wasting my precious holidays.


Further suggestions would be gratefully, perhaps even desperately, received.