Trauma

One sees disturbing things in the hospital corridors. Patients with missing limbs. Disfiguring skin conditions. Kitsch-encrusted teddy bears in the gift shop. And, worst of all, old people attire, like that sported by a bloke I saw in the newsagency this afternoon.


Pinkish short-sleeved cotton shirt: fair enough. Dark cotton shorts: reasonable. West Coast Eagles footy socks with shiny black leather dress shoes: sweet merciful crap.


How does this happen? How does a man reach his 50s and not learn that this is about as acceptable as opening a halfway house for paedophiles next to a kindergarten? I mean, I guess there must be people who don't realise that this is more wrong than putting barbecue sauce on sashimi, but they generally don't have access to shiny black leather dress shoes. They tend to buy their footwear at the supermarket.


I just can't figure it out. Under what circumstances did this man leave the house so shod? He was too young for dementia, and too old for hipster forays into anti-fashion. I'm struggling to come up with possible scenarios.


1) Maybe his wife was in the hospital and he was so overcome with grief and stress that he couldn't find socks that matched his shirt or shoes that matched his socks.

2) Maybe he was abused as a child by rampaging fashionistas, and this is his sick way of fighting back.

3) Maybe he has multiple personalities - a businessman, a labourer, some sort of bourgeois Target shopper - and this morning they just all wanted to have their say.

4) Maybe all of his matching shoe and sock combinations were stolen by scurrilous Lithuanian sneaker smugglers and sock merchants.

5) Maybe he was visiting Ben Cousins (down in Otolaryngology being treated for cocaine-induced nasal leakage) and he wanted to be encouraging, but these socks were the only Eagles-themed clothing he had. Wait, that still wouldn't explain the shoes. Dang.

6) The universe hates me and wants to cause me pain.


Additional theories would be welcomed in comments.