Sunday, December 13, 2009


From an item picked up by the Blandwagon News Service via The Times:

Tiger Woods quits golf ‘to be a better husband and adulterer’.

In a press conference this morning, conducted on the hallowed grounds of St Andrew's Golf Course, in the shadow of the impressive rack of Miss Tiffani Swallows, 22, Tiger Woods announced his retirement from golf to concentrate on his marriage and adultery.

“In recent weeks the media has hounded me over a number of transgressions,” said Woods, reading a prepared statement from note cards wedged in Miss Swallows' ample cleavage. “This has been very hard on my family. It has disrupted my game. And my golf is suffering too. After a lot of soul searching, discussions with friends, and some therapeutic threesomes, I came to a decision. I looked at the things that are important to me - my children, my wife, my bevy of mistresses, golf – and I realised that one of these things had to go so that I could concentrate on the other three.”

“I love my wife and children, and I really like banging skanky cocktail waitresses and high-priced hookers. Golf... meh. Once I'd decided to simplify my life, the choice was actually pretty easy.”

“We see this as a new chapter in Tiger’s career,” said longtime manager and mentor Sandy Montag. “He’s proven himself to be a driven perfectionist and role model for young golfers everywhere. I’m sure he’ll do the same for every man who’s ever dreamed of illicit sex with tacky bimbos named Jaimee or Candi on the professional sleaze circuit.”

Woods has not ruled out a return to golf at some time in the future. “Once the kids are in college, and if I can't find any Viagra, then yeah, I might consider picking up a club again. After all, golf has always been my fourth love.”


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