Monday, June 08, 2009


Via James Lileks comes this handy marital quiz from 1933. Ladies, is your husband a stud or a dud? A dreamboat or the Lusitania? Do this test and learn whether he's a Clark Gable... or a mere James Cagney.

Unfortunately a lot of the demerits that had housewives pursing their lips during the Hoover Administration are unfamiliar or de-prioritised to the partners, significant others and IGYDUSBCA*s of the 21st century. To help the modern woman in her understanding, I've added minor annotations to some of the more esoteric items:

1. Stares at or flirts with other women while out with his wife.

It's okay if he stares at or flirts with other women when she's not around, presumably.

6. Compares wife unfavourably with his mother or other wives.

"You look okay, I guess, but you know who's really hot? My mother. And my other wives."

16. Dislikes to dress or shave on Sunday.

Frankly his nakedness during church is begining to attract comment.

19. Objects to wife's driving auto.

She should drive a manual, like a normal person.

21. Blames wife for everything that happens.

"Global warming, honey. Your fault. Male pattern baldness too. And don't get me started on the Battle of Leuctra in 371 BC!"

24. Uses alcohol. If ever drunk.

And thus every Australian man fails this test.

However it's not all about picking up on a husband's faults. The quiz also allows him to claw his way back into the missus' good books with good behaviour. If indeed clawing anything could ever be classed as good behaviour. Most woman frown on clawing. But I digress:

3. Frequently compliments wife re looks, cooking housekeeping, etc.

"I know your have a PhD and brokered peace in the Middle East, sweetheart, but what I really like about you is you're blonde, you cook a mean steak, and you operate that dishwasher like a pro."

6. Polite and mannerly even when alone with his wife.

Oh great. He's gay.

9. Reads newspaper, books or magazines aloud to wife.

"Hey honey, have a listen to this joke from the Sam Newman Big Book of Footy Humor! And stop rolling your eyes, dammit!"

12. Leaves car for wife on days she may need it.

As opposed to making her ride the family mule down to Woolworth's, I guess.

15. Doesn't interfere with wife's correction of children.

Apparently in 1933 "wait 'till you father gets home" hadn't been invented yet.

16. Carries adequate insurance for family.

If they all die in an "accident" he's set for life, baby.

20. Usually comes home with a smile.

Actually I would have pegged this as a negative, or at least as suspicious. It's the middle of The Great Depression... how happy is he supposed to be?

Lileks promises to get the second half of this quiz, which covers the merits of a good wife, scanned and up on the net soon. I assume that the production of sandwiches and beer will feature prominently.

* I Guess You'll Do Until Someone Better Comes Along


Blogger 2BarRiff said...

Gives wife ample allowance or turns paycheck over to her?

Get a grip old fashioned list-type people!

How can I pay for the cocaine and hookers if Madame2Bar is pulling the purse strings?

1:13 AM  
Blogger Blandwagon said...

Obviously you need to let Madame2Bar buy the hookers and blow. Women are a lot better at sniffing out bargains: she can probably get the same whore for half the price that you would have paid. Women are canny like that.

11:37 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home