Class

Hello everyone! It is my pleasure to take over from Mr Blandwagon today and do some "guest blogging", and I hope that my contribution will be every bit as uplifting as his posts on where to get a good coffee and the man with the big face.


Keen followers of Azerbaijani politics will be aware of my recent entanglements with the anti-corruption tribunal, and while the loss of my lucrative government position has been trying, I am treating it as an opportunity to indulge my first love and carve out a new career in home decorating. I use my own residence as my showpiece, and I believe that it perfectly captures my design philosophy.


And so, without any further ado...


How to Decorate Your Home with Understated Elegance


by guest blogger
the former Secretary of Health Care
Republic of Azerbaijan


1. The Dining Room





Who doesn't love a big plate of Azerbaijani delicacies in opulent surroundings? As such, the dining room is the perfect place to indulge your love of classical-ass bling. To begin decorating, ask yourself what would it feel like to live inside Zsa Zsa Gabor's wedding cake, and then take it from there. Ideally it should end up looking as if you've upholstered all of the furniture with Marie Antoinette, then brought in Saddam Hussein's contractors to finish the rest.


Of course you don't want to overdo it. Notice that there are palm trees rather than flower arrangements in the centre of the table. With a floral motif on the upholstery, flowers in the centrepiece would make the room look a bit girly.


2. The Living Room





Whoever said that "less is more" is an idiot and an infidel, and will burn in the fires of hell for all eternity along with Marcel Breuer and Mies van der Rohe. As Ayn Rand or any good drag queen will tell you, more is more.


Hence you should not choose between gilding and rococo carving - go for both! Give that couch more decorative surface area than the QEII, then cover it with such a weight of gold that it cracks the floor tiles. In short, make it look as if King Midas tried to burgle Liberace's house. If you have any gold left over, you can slather it over the walls or even the ceiling. Work that gold until the walls look like one of Amy Winehouse's arms.


Also never underestimate the impact of an elegant chandelier, both visually and physically, especially when any visitor over 6'2" is inevitably going to get a concussion after walking into a lump of dangling crystal the size of a grapefruit. Serves them right, the lofty bastards.


3. The Bedroom





The bedroom is a place of sanctuary, relaxation and gettin' it on. It should be a large, airy space, to allow room for your bar, your fireplace, your grandma's lounge furniture and that glider you got at Heidi Fleiss' garage sale.


Putting your bed up on a stage, with recessed lighting and swags of red velvet, will make your ladyfriends feel at home. After all that's the sort of decor they were in when you first met them, give or take a stripper pole and a bouncer or two.





But as every experienced interior decorator knows, it's the accents that make or break a room. Notice the leopardskin print cushion on the armchair. It reminds your ladyfriends that it's not all elegance and sophistication around here - there's a certain amount of "wild animal" going on. Like all girls facing a wild animal they will probably scream a lot and try to run away, but that's why you have a taser and a bottle of rohypnol in the bedside cabinets.


This is just a taste of what you can expect from my new book, "How to Decorate Your Home with Understated Elegance", due for release this summer through Maldives Internet University Press. Bring your copy to the Azerbaijan National Prison and I will gladly sign it for you!