Thursday, March 22, 2012


The year was 1979. In Iran, students invaded the American embassy and took hostages in an action that was to eventually bring about the political downfall of President Jimmy Carter. Elsewhere in the Middle East, Russian troops invaded Afghanistan in a move that was to become one of the greatest military blunders of the 20th century. In Ireland, Lord Mountbatten was murdered by the IRA, along with five other dignitaries including the Baroness Brabourne.

It was clearly a disastrous year. Then to add insult to injury, along came 'Tigers In Lipstick', our third and final film of AndressFest'12.

It's about as subtle as a Benny Hill chase scene. The movie is a series of eight vignettes featuring four famously hot 1970s actresses, each playing two roles. For example Sylvia Kristel, the most celebrated soft core actress of her day, plays a woman who tricks a man into taking the fall for not one but two of her murders, and then, later in the movie, she plays the bored wife of a jealous husband. Similarly Ursula Andress plays the chilly widow of a politician who thaws quickly during a candid photo session, then a woman who causes motor accidents outside the premises of car mechanics in return for a cut of their profits. Her method of causing motor accidents was one of the few unpredictable moments of the entire movie.

But such moments of fun were rare. Based on this film, it's clear that there was something desperately wrong with Italian masculinity in the 1970s. The movie was all about strong, beautiful women using their feminine powers to subjugate frustrated, buffoonish Italian men. It's hard to see who comes out worse. If the acting had been good it might have worked; the actresses were charming, but the male actors lunged at their dialogue like a dog going for a dropped sausage. Based on what appeared on screen, there were only four stage directions for the men in the movie: "ogle", "shout", "wave your arms about like a muppet on crack" and "drive your Fiat into a lamp post"... although that last one would've probably happened even without stage directions.

It's worth noting that if you have a bunch of inebriated straight guys sitting around watching hot women taking their clothes off, and the guys are still moaning, "Gah! How much longer do we have to sit through this? Hurry up and end already!", then you've probably done something wrong. In the apt words of Tom Servo, "this is what happens when sexy becomes annoying!"

About the only non-annoying image we can take from 'Tigers In Lipstick' was this:

Which is worth something, I admit. But when the high point of your movie is a brief performance by Ursula Andress, you know you've hit rock bottom. As indeed had Ursula; within two years of 'Tigers In Lipstick' she had gone into semi-retirement, surfacing only to do guest spots on soap operas and Dame Edna specials.


Anonymous Troy G said...

Looks like I got out just in time, after the first two films.

Particularly witty simile: "wave your arms about like a muppet on crack".

1:19 PM  
Blogger Dr. Kold_Kadavr_flatliner, M.D. said...

Yummmy. How I'd love to serve her in Heaven. God bless you.

11:51 PM  

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