Tuesday, February 23, 2010


Just Say No To Drugs!

An open letter to the public
The Disco Godfather

Brothers and sisters of the ‘70s,

We live in uncertain times. The threat of nuclear war hangs over us all. ‘Soylent Green’ showed us a terrifying future dominated by Charlton Heston. Hell, you could wake up tomorrow morning and hear Hall & Oates on the radio. It’s just that bad. And yet my friends, the most horrible problem facing us here in the ‘70s is drugs.

This was brought home to me just recently, when my nephew Bucky staggered into my discothèque whacked out of his mind on angel dust.

Now I know what you're thinkin'. "People on drugs? In a disco? Has the world gone mad?"

When people say this to me, you know what I tell them? "Put your weight on it." Then when they stare at me in confusion, I add, "Don't be so naive. It's not like it was when we were kids back in the ‘60s.The young folk today have access to all sorts of mind-altering drugs."

Let's face it, people. This is the ‘70s. I'm wearing a pale blue spandex jumpsuit split to the navel, with enormous silver baubles and a freakin’ dog collar. We have cars that are bigger than Donna Summers’ hair, everything that isn't made of polyester is made of nylon, and nobody's seen a colour that appears in nature since 1974. Things are already quite freaky enough without mind-altering drugs being thrown into the mix.

Believe me when I tell you that drugs make you do terrible, unforgivable things. Rape. Murder. Stealin’ hats from jockeys. These are the sort of things we’re fightin’ against! It’s time to say enough is enough!

So I say "Attack the Wack". Or alternately "Wack the Attack". Maybe even "Wattack the Ack"... although I may be getting mixed up with my Level 24 Orc Mage there. I like to unwind with a little D&D after a hard day's testifyin'. Anyway, fight back against the scourge of drugs!

Hear what I’m tellin’ you, young men of the ‘70s! Give up the drugs and the loose living! Why not be like this guy, who seems to spend a lot of time at my disco?

He's livin' a clean life, full of fitness, roller skating and other outdoor pursuits. I hear that he's very good to his mama, and doesn't fool around with girls. Instead he spends a lot of time down at the YMCA, playing basketball and taking showers. Why can't you young men be more like him?

In closing, we stand before the promise of a clean, disco-filled, drug-free ‘80s. If we all band together and put our collective weight on it, we can prevail and live to boogie on down another day.

Yours in grooviness,

The Disco Godfather, OBW*

*Order of the Barry White


Post a Comment

<< Home