Thursday, August 13, 2009


Last night I watched 'Twilight'. I hadn't seen it before, because I am the wrong age, the wrong gender, and the wrong temperament. I'm not sure what the right temperament would be, but I imagine that it would be one not given to sarcasm, raised voices and hurling small objects at televisions. The only reason I saw it last night was because the movie now has a rifftrax, and I figured that any movie that takes itself as seriously as 'Twilight' would be ripe fodder for riffing. I wasn't wrong. The movie was awful but the rifftrax was hilarious.

Well, at least I assume that the movie was awful. We only got an hour into it before the DVD player froze up. We tried another machine and got a couple of minutes further in before it died. Then I tried a computer, and that failed too. The disc looked fine but there must have been a hidden fracture on it. Either that, or the DVD players simply couldn't take more than an hour of this crap. When you consider that they've played movies like 'Circus of Fear' and 'Battlefield Earth' without fault, it reflects rather badly on 'Twilight'. Or, as I like to call it, 'Invasion of the Body Glitters'.

If anyone understands the minds of thirteen year old girls, that someone isn't me. They all seemed to do their collective nuts over sparkly vampire Edward Cullen, and for the life of me I can't see why. Everything about him that set pre-adolescent hearts aflutter simply struck me as ludicrous. How much does it confuse me? Let me count the ways:

1. His bad-ass ride (ie a late model Volvo S30)

Surely the whole point of being an immortal, indestructible vampire is that you don't need to drive the safest car on the road. You're dead, dude... what's the worst that can happen? Drive a skittish Italian sports car that crashes into a tree every six months and enjoy it.

2. His occupation (ie high school student)

Why does Edward go to high school every day? He's been 17 for more than a century - you'd think he would have mastered algebra by now. And I'm pretty sure that there are only so many times that you can read 'Are You There God? It's Me Margaret' before it starts to piss you off.

3. His hair (ie 90210 meets 1985)

I don't know if Stephanie Meyer's Sparkle Vampire reality has the whole "no reflection" thing, but it would certainly explain Edward's hair, which is 2 parts Jason Priestly, 2 parts candy floss and 17 parts what the hell. I guess it's hard to calculate the correct amount of product to use when all you see in the mirror is the opposite wall of the bathroom.

4. His attitude (ie threatening yet sensitive)

Girls are attracted to dangerous, powerful creatures that hold the potential to be tamed. This is why most little girls go through a stage of being crazy for horses, right before puberty hits and the passion moves from chestnut geldings to Channing Tatums. It's the "wild creature that only I can understand" syndrome - it explains both the attraction of horses and, in later life, of partnering up with obnoxious, abusive men in the mistaken belief that "nobody understands him like I do".

One of these days I'll have to rent another copy of this movie and watch it again, in order to get the rest of the rifftrax. But I'm not rushing.


Blogger 2BarRiff said...

I had to sit through that. Love does strange things to a man sometimes.

11:40 PM  
Blogger Blandwagon said...

In order to be fair, you should make her sit through the rifftrax version with you.

11:04 AM  
Blogger hazelblackberry said...

The thing is, with the horses, it's also about riding them. Which is a passion that lasts well into puberty. In fact, it's a past time made for puberty.

10:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Edward arrives at high school standing up with his head sticking out of the small jeep sunroof. What kind of knob does that. But it apparently sets girls hearts a flutter. I know women who haven't read a book in ten year who are reading the twilight series in a week! Go figure! jaymez

2:49 AM  

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