Wednesday, August 10, 2005


Last night I watched the last of my new MST3K DVDs; 'Santa Claus Conquers the Martians'. It was a horrible cheap 1964 children's movie, made with the money the director found under the sofa cushions, and featuring what was probably the cast of some local amateur theatre company. Even a solid layer of MST3K riffs barely made it tolerable.

Am I the only person who finds Santa kind of annoying? And I'm not just talking about his lack of road skills. All the chuckling and wobbling like a bowlful of jelly - nobody laughs that much unless they're covering something up. I suppose if I was part of a joyless molestation of Christmas tradition like this movie, I'd laugh to hide the hurt inside too.


And who smokes in a children's movie? Why not just snort cocaine off the body of a dead hooker while you're at it, Santa!

This picture also depicts the main villain of the piece; Voldar's fake moustache. It's from the 'Saddam Hussein Meets Cheap Carpet Sample' collection, and it gives the unfortunate impression that Voldar has just come from shooting "Naughty Martian Coeds VII" next door.


No wonder he wants to kill the despicable Billy and Betty Foster. He's seen a better life. Sure, he'll suffer the low self-esteem, social stigma and innumerable diseases of a porn star, but at least it's better than working with child actors and jolly old elves while wearing plumbing supplies on your head.

Also the money's better, the sets and scripts aren't any worse, and 'wocka chicka wow wow' beats 'Hooray for Santy Claus' any day.


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12:26 AM  
Blogger Eric B. said...

It seems to me that's some comment spam, but it also seems to me that it's a little long. I hope you posted it as a red herring.

It don't remember the specifics of the skit in this episode, something about Tom singing or reading an essay about Santa's reindeer dying horrible deaths -- whatever it was, it had me laughing so hard I couldn't breath.

7:51 AM  
Blogger Blandwagon said...

I knew it was only a matter of time before the comment spam found me. It was like hiding under the floorboards in the Warsaw Ghetto listening to the Nazi boots thumping about overhead.

And now, to continue the metaphor, my blog is off to the gas chambers. Excuse me while I weep.

12:35 PM  

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