Wednesday, March 10, 2010


In one of the greatest acts of nutritional irresponsibility since the invention of monosodium glutamate, researchers at the Brigham and Women's Hospital in Boston have concluded that a diet containing small amounts of wine does not seem to directly contribute to obesity. Put simply and not entirely accurately, the theory is that as alcohol is processed by the liver, its energy is released either to be used straight away or discarded, rather than converted into fat for storage. As a result, drinking a glass of wine is less fattening than eating a snack with the same caloric density.

Naturally once Reuters got their hands on this, it transmogrified into "Light to moderate alcohol consumption, especially red wine, is not only good for a woman's heart, it's also good for her waistline".

Then once it had sunk down to the journalistic nadir that is, it had evolved into something along the monosyllabic lines of "Drink up, girls! Wine makes you lose weight!"

And thus now I have an unshakeable mental picture of the typical reader, heavily peroxided, with a dolphin tattooed on her arse and with her billowing muffin top bulging over the waistband of her stretched and broken jeans, emptying a cask of white wine directly into her mouth while a friend offers her a beer. "Nah, I'll stick with this, Sherrine. I'm on a diet!"

However there is an upside, as raised by my friend PM:

PM: Well, at least this will help our wine industry. All of that cheap cask chardonnay will be flying off the shelves.

Me: Why is it that only the bogans drink chardonnay these days?

PM: I don't know.

Me: Maybe it's because it's satisfying to say in Strine. It's a good nasal drawling word. "Oi! Doreen! Get me a SHAAR-dun-AAAY will ya, darl!"

PM: "Aw yeah. Oi'll have a shardy too."

Me: "Yeah, I love a good shardy!"

PM: "On secon' thoughts, make moin a shardy an' coke!"

Both: (several seconds of uncontrollable laughter)

Me: Um, we have to stop now. This is all too horribly plausible.


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