Tuesday, February 15, 2005


Another Saturday, another wedding. I don't know this couple as well as CW & KR but it's an honour to be invited to such a joyous occasion regardless of who's doing the inviting. Plus, free food!

Thoughts From A Wedding
- When dressing for a summer wedding, what should the modern gentleman wear?
a) a light-weight suit with an open-necked shirt, because it's a special occasion but it's also hot.
b) dark dress pants, white shirt and tie, because even though you're thirty years old you still don't own a suit.
c) a biker beard and a Holden Special Vehicles T-shirt, because you've apparently just joined us from the pit crew at Kwinana Moto-plex.

- I've never seen so many leathery old women wearing clothes twenty years too young for them in the same place at the same time. My eyes hurt.

- Aw crap. The readings are Ecclesiastes 4 v 9 - 12 and 1 Corinthians 13 v 4 - 8. Again. Come on, people, get creative! Quit using the same tired old passages! You've got an entire Bible to chose from!

- Well, maybe it'd be better to leave out the book of Judges. There may be a place for dismembered concubines at a wedding, but I haven't discovered it yet.

- What is it about girls and having butterfly tattoos on their shoulders? Is there a male equivalent? Are there any manly insects?

- A Beyonce song for the processional = minus ten points. Mendelssohn's Wedding March for the recessional = plus ten points. No Pachelbel's Bloody Canon = plus about a million points.

- (halfway through sermon) Have we always had these chairs?

- As men reach a certain age, they should be required to undergo annual hearing tests. If they pass, all well and good. If they fail, they should be given a card on which is written, in large bold letters, DO NOT WHISPER JOVIAL ASIDES TO YOUR WIFE AT PUBLIC FUNCTIONS, BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT REALLY WHISPERING, YOU DEAF OLD BASTARD.

- When a bride signs the register, does she sign her maiden name or her married name? She's made her vows and exchanged the rings, so she's married, but then again how can she sign a contract to become Mrs Groom with a name she can't hold until said contract has been witnessed? Ow ow ow my brane.

- What if the bride gets struck by lightning between the altar and the register? Is she legally Mrs Groom or still Miss Bride? Is her estate the property of the groom or her family? Where's a lawyer when you need one?

- (while standing in line to meet the happy couple) I hate this. They're surrounded by close friends and family, so they don't really want to see me. And yet they'll feel slighted if I try to sneak by. Argh. This afternoon tea had better be worth it.

- (while eating a slice of the chocolate coffee meringue cake) I'm going to start a new religion solely to worship the creator of this cake!

At the end of the day, I wish every blessing imaginable on RM & BS. And any leftover blessings can go to whoever's responsible for The Cake.


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