Re: UNPROFESSIONAL BEHAVIOUR
It has come the attention of Management that several examples of unprofessional behaviour have been demonstrated in the office of late. While it is true that much of this behaviour might be classed as ‘involuntary’, it is nevertheless unacceptable. We are a quality company proactively pursuing excellence in customer service, and do not consider these activities to be part of a ‘best practice’ mentality. With this in mind, please be aware of the company’s policy on the following:
The company has spent considerable amounts of money on ergonomic chairs covered in eye-catching fabrics, in order to encourage good employee posture. However the way some of you slump over your desks, one would think you were Muppets who’d had the hand suddenly ripped from your arses. The company requires employees to exercise good posture, displaying that alert, straight-backed demeanour favoured by ceremonial guards, meerkats and electrocution victims the world over.
The company appreciates that staring at a spreadsheet for eight hours is about as exciting as an Andy Warhol film. However, yawning is not a professional activity and must be eliminated from all workstations. To this end, the company is enacting a program of Pavlovian behaviour modification, in which any employee found yawning will have his or her lips stapled together. Actually, that’s not really Pavlovian, is it? Well, as long as it works.
It has been noted on several occasions that employees have been blushing during meetings with clients. For example, this has been occurring while promising that the paper work that we shredded last week is in the mail, or protesting that we never knew that our sweatshops in Asia even existed, or claiming that the brake pads we make from stale tofu aren’t made of stale tofu. This blushing is clearly a breach of our Code of Conduct statement, and frankly demonstrates a narrow definition of morality that will be remembered come performance review time.
Despite the recent upgrades to the air-conditioning system, we have noticed staff in the Accounting Department sweating. This unprofessional behaviour has been occurring during interviews with auditors, representatives of the FBI, and various swarthy men in dark suits and too much gold jewellery. If employees cannot keep their personal fluids in their bodies, the company reserves the right to take on the responsibility, and we would remind staff that our trials with freeze-drying recalcitrant employees from Sales have proven very successful.
Weeping is not an acceptable practice in any part of the building. While the company understands that the soul-destroying nature of your work and the cold depravity of the corporate machine invariably drive you to tears, crying does not enhance the professional, quality image we are trying to project. Nor, for that matter, does wailing, or gnashing of teeth, or rending of garments. Management has decided to tackle this weeping head-on, and is forthwith issuing every employee with a ceramic beverage mug bearing the slogan, “You don’t have to be crazy to work here, but it helps!” That should cheer you all up.
Please be advised that the behaviours listed above are hereby banned within the company offices. We require you to have a neat, friendly, ‘can-do’ attitude at all times, and we are prepared to sacrifice your children to Cthlnagog, the dark and bloodthirsty god of business, if you don’t.
That is all.